Invest in yourself

1. Create your own specific plan of action on what you want in life. A good one helps you define your preferred future (your dream life), clarifies your life’s purpose, evaluates your current reality in the basic areas of life (financial, family, career, health, spiritual, etc.), reveals your personal values for each life area (the beliefs that are important to you), sets well-defined goals, and creates a specific plan of action.
2. Be a lifelong learner. Read amazing books and resources personal growth. Take classes (formal or informal). Subscribe to industry blogs. Attend webinars and listen to podcasts. But don’t stop there – you’ve got to apply what you read and hear, and take action!
3. Surround yourself with excellence. It’s been said that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. In other words, who you spend time with influences the person you become. 
4. Don’t spend your precious time with people who don’t believe in you or your goals. We all need to have positive people in our lives. And maybe you need a mentor or coach who can help you take action on your goals.
5. Keep improving your communication skills. Buffett mentioned this in one of the interviews. Communication skills are extremely important today. And not just in how to be a great speaker, but also a great listener. And a good writer. If you intend to share what you learn with your audience, communicate better by writing your most amazing pieces of ideas and thoughts.
6. Discover your true needs. No two people have the exact same needs. Establish what’s most important for you to gain, have, and keep in your life, e.g., what you truly need as opposed to what you simply want.
7. Raise your self-worth. Even if you think you already possess a healthy dose of self-esteem, work to improve your opinion of yourself. This calls for a remorseless disposal of fears and perceived insecurities as well as the healing of old wounds once and for all.
8. Create a bigger version of yourself. Don’t settle on a self-imposed plateau; always aim a bit higher than before. Visualize your ideal life — regardless of how unattainable it may seem now — and act to manifest it one element at a time.
9. Create a bigger version of yourself. Don’t settle on a self-imposed plateau; always aim a bit higher than before. Visualize your ideal life — regardless of how unattainable it may seem now — and act to manifest it one element at a time.
10. Do what you love. Oftentimes it is the simplest things that deliver the most profound joy, yet we barely find time for these precious activities. Don’t postpone your simple pleasures, whether you like to read or sing or hike. Perform actions grounded in a deep seat of love every day.
11. Never go against your intuition. Your intuition knows more than you think. Learn to trust your inner voice without hesitation; reason may tell you one thing, but your instinct tells you the right thing, always.

How to Use the 5 Apology Languages

The power of apologies is legendary. At least, it is if you've listened to my episodes on how to repair relationships, on how to take responsibility when you screw up, and on how to criticize someone without looking like a jerk.

But they've got to be done right, or the other person won't even hear them. In the workplace, a proper apology might make the difference between being seen as a team player or being considered "that guy" (or "that girl" or "that intersex").

Bernice and Melvin are not having a good morning. They just finished taking inventory for Bernice's plant store, Green Growing Things. Melvin, in his glee, went to close the inventory program. When the program asked, "Do you really want to exit without saving the data?" he clicked Yes by habit. Oops. An entire day's work, lost.

Bernice is going ballistic. Melvin is trying his best to apologize, but nothing's working.

"I promise I'll do the inventory on my own this weekend," he cries.

"Yes, but you aren't even sorry!" she yells.

"I am too! Please forgive me!"

"Forgive you? Forgive you? Why should I forgive you when you aren't sorry?"

"But I am sorry!"

And round and round it goes.

From the outside, it sure seems that Melvin is offering an apology, and that Bernice is refusing to accept it. But that's not what's happening at all. They just recognize apologies differently. In the book When Sorry Isn't Enough, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas share the results of a study they did of how people give and receive apologies. The bad news: There are 5 different ways people apologize. The good news: There are only 5.

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Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret

Expressing Regret is Bernice's primary apology language. To her, an apology is first and foremost emotional. Someone truly feels bad about what they've done. An apology must show that someone sincerely feels regretful, guilty, or ashamed.

Melvin says "I'm sorry," but his voice tone says "Panic!" Bernice is picking up on his tone, not his words. She wants to know there's real regret behind his apology, not just that he can say the words. Expressing Regret sounds like, "I feel awful about what I've done." (said in an appropriate tone of voice)

Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility

Bernice's secondary apology language is Accepting Responsibility. She wants to hear that the other person knows it's their fault. This is as simple as saying "I was wrong." But as simple as it sounds, many of us just can't say those words. We can say "You were wrong." We can say "Politicians are wrong." But we can't quite say "I was wrong."

But that's all that someone with the Accepting Responsibility apology language wants to hear, a simple admission of fault. Melvin's apologizing, but he's not saying that he was wrong. Accepting responsibility sounds like, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. It was my fault."

Apology Language #3: Genuine Repentance

Genuine Repentance is similar to Expressing Regret in that it must come from the heart. But it must also come with a promise to change, so the problem doesn't happen again.

Even though Melvin may plan to change going forward—perhaps by re-reading every dialog box twice before clicking a button—if he doesn't say so to Bernice, she won't know that. Genuine Repentance sounds like, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Next time I'll re-read the dialog box twice before clicking a button. And I'll turn on auto-save. And make backups."

Apology Language #4: Requesting Forgiveness

Requesting Forgiveness asks the injured person to forgive. It lets them know they were wronged, that forgiveness is needed to repair the relationship. Even though you may believe that a request for forgiveness is implied in any apology, someone whose apology language is Requesting Forgiveness needs to hear it out loud.

An apology can be as simple as saying "I was wrong."

Keep in mind that a request for forgiveness won't necessarily be granted. The apology shows that you recognize the need to be forgiven. Whether or not the forgiving happens, however, is up to the person receiving the apology. Requesting Forgiveness sounds like, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

Apology Language #5: Making Restitution

Finally, we come to Making Restitution. Making Restitution involves justifying the wrong, and finding a way to make amends. You gotta make up for what you did. How you make up for it depends on the person. You have to make up for it in a way that the other person values. If you say "I'm so sorry. Here is a pair of tickets to the game Sunday evening" to someone who prefers cooking to sports, you're not making amends. "Here is a pair of tickets to the filming of Iron Chef Sunday evening" will work much better.

Making Restitution might mean doing what's needed to fix what you screwed up. It's probably the most labor-intensive apology language. It also happens to be my #1 apology language. Making Restitution sounds like, "I'm sorry. I was sloppy. I'd be glad to help with the marketing report so you can go home early tonight."
Match Their Apology Language, Not Yours

Since our primary apology language is how we recognize apologies, we tend to give apologies in the same language. After all, if "I'm sorry" means "I'll make restitution," then we'll be tempted to make restitution when we want to apologize, even if the other person doesn't care about restitution, but does care about hearing us say, "I was wrong."

Melvin's top two apology languages are Making Restitution and Requesting Forgiveness. He's saying "I'll fix the problem. Please forgive me." Those aren't a match for Bernice. Her top apology languages are Expressing Regret and Accepting Responsibility. She just wants Melvin to say, sincerely, "I feel really ashamed of my screwup. It was my fault." She'll say "Of course I accept your apology! It's all right! Let's go down to the soda shop and share a Tofutti eclaire to make up." She doesn't even need him to fix the problem.

When making an apology, use the other person's apology language, so they really hear you. If you don't know someone's apology language, try all 5: "I'm sorry. I feel awful about what happened. I was wrong and I take full responsibility. Here's what I'll do differently in the future, and here's how I'll make it right, now. Can you forgive me?"

When you're receiving an apology, be sensitive to all 5 languages, not just your own. Even if someone isn't using your preferred apology language, they may be quite sincere, using their own. Listen for it. An apology is a special act, meant to make things better. Learn to give and receive apologies in a way that people can hear, and that repairs and strengthens your relationship.

How to Criticize (Without Looking Like a Jerk)

Sometimes it's really obvious when someone else screwed up. And of course, we just have to correct them. Otherwise, the world as we know it will stop.

So right there at the team meeting, we put on our best diplomacy hat and say, "You know, your user interface design really was confusing. I'll send you a memo telling you what you did wrong and how to fix it later this afternoon."

Your target smiles and says, "Thank you for your offer."

The next day, your goldfish are floating upside down in your fish tank, your car tires seem to be missing some air, and your hard drive accidentally reformats itself.

Coincidence? I think not.

The problem is that despite your extraordinary attempt at diplomaticy, you pointed out to someone that they screwed up.

This happens with colleagues and also with strangers. Have you ever tried to cross a crosswalk? Cars are supposed to stop behind the Stop line to let pedestrians walk across. And yet, often some driver (not you, I'm sure) will stop right in the middle of the crosswalk and pedestrians have to walk around their car in order to cross.

Everyone Is an Ogre

The driver never actually looks like an inconsiderate, law-breaking oaf with no respect or consideration for other people. They always look like a nice person. Then you tap their window and say, politely, "Excuse me, you're blocking the crosswalk. Please stop behind the line next time." They look at you and start to get red in the face. Their formerly curly hair start to straighten out and stand on end. Steam comes out of their ears. They puff out their cheeks, and they yell, "You asshole! Get your fucking butt out of the street before I drive over you and don't ever fucking talk to me again!!!"

They are clearly in the wrong. They are breaking the law, being inconsiderate, and generally being a lousy prom date. But when you politely point out that they are wrong, they act like a great ape deprived of its favorite banana. Because in fact, they are.

People Value Their Self-Image

You see, no one appreciates being confronted with immediate, obvious, incontrovertible, undeniable evidence of their own wrong-doing. Our favorite banana is our self-image. And most of us have self-images that we're upstanding angels who are perfect and have good reasons for the things we do.

Science, of course, has thoroughly debunked that. All of us are a mix of admirable and icky qualities. As shocking as it may be for you to consider, please realize that even I am not perfect. (I know, unbelievable, right?)

Just ask me to cook. I use pre-prepared ingredients, like pre-marinated chicken, reheatable pierogies, and chocolate craze Balance Bars. It's my personal version of mole sauce.

When you make someone realize they're wrong, you're taking away their self-image banana and replacing it with a rotten turnip. They're mad about trading their banana for a turnip. It really has nothing to do with you. You're just the catalyst for their self-realization and an easy target for when they go postal about it.

Frame Your Criticism as a Best Interest

All is not lost, however. You can still communicate the all-important corrective message, just frame it as being in their best interest.

Think about the good thing that will happen if they realize they're wrong and follow your advice. Then frame your message as if their current state of affairs is good, and you're helping them go from good to better.

So let's take the example from the beginning of this episode. Instead of saying "Your user interface made our users throw up on the keyboard," ask yourself what good will come from a better UI. A better UI will make your product a joy to use, reduce support costs, and maybe win the user interface designer a design award.

There's no guarantee they'll take your advice.

To that end, say something like, "You know, the user interface is key to making our users joyous, reducing support costs, and, of course, winning industry awards. I have some ideas that might help bring out the brilliance in your design even more. If you'd like to hear them, let me know."

This way, you're acknowledging the value of what they do, the happy consequences of them doing it right, and then simply offering to help their existing amazingness be even more amazing.

They May So "No"

There's no guarantee that they'll agree to listen to your ideas. Or that they'll take your advice even if they do listen. But if you offer help sincerely, at least they won't get mad.

Probably.

Just to make sure, practice your voice tone. Think of someone who really wants your help. Someone you love, like your niece or nephew (with that hair, and a name like "Sage," you don't necessarily know).

Now practice offering them help out loud. "Sage, I have some ideas that can help with your advanced topology homework. Want to work on it together?" Listen to yourself carefully. Now take that same tone of voice with your work colleague. "Teammate, I have some ideas that can help with the next UI interface. Want to work on it together?"

Apologize

Sometimes you can streamline things by apologizing.

For example, when someone misses an appointment, I'll start out a follow-up conversation by apologizing. "I'm sorry we missed each other. Your confirmation email must have gotten lost in my spam folder." When other people unfairly blame you, it's bad. But when you take responsibility yourself, you can quickly shift the conversation back to scheduling, rather than getting into a useless debate about who dropped the ball. We're all overloaded these days. We all drop the ball sometimes. And even though you're apologizing to take the pressure off them, sometimes you'll find their confirmation email did end up in your spam folder.

Apologies can also be useful when someone turns in an inadequate deliverable. "I'm sorry I screwed up by not giving you the full specifications. We need the proclamation of Oreo Ice Cream Cake as the official Olympics health food printed on parchment paper, not newsprint. Could you reprint it? Thanks!"

I'll only do this when the stakes are low, however. Also, if I have responsibility for the person's professional development, even if I apologize, I'll add, "Next time, how can you be sure to get the full specifications, even if I don't think to give them to you?" That way, I'm acknowledging my part of the situation, while making it clear that it's still their responsibility going forward. If someone's mistake incurred extra cost, then we may, indeed, have to have a difficult conversation about who will pay the price. And difficult conversations are a topic for another time.

People don't like being told they're wrong, especially when they are. It hurts their self-image. So when you need to correct them, do it by offering to improve what's already good, not by pointing out that what they did was bad. Use a genuinely helpful voice tone, and apologize if that would help. Even if you apologize, though, you can make it clear that just because you screwed up, doesn't mean that they can't account for that in the future.

14 Psychological Facts

Feeling stressed? Wish you knew some secrets for feeling happier, lighter, and freer?

While the complexities of the human condition are, of course, a little too deep to be reduced to a list, there are actually a few tips you can use every day to help shake off some of the drudgery that might be dragging you down. There are also some weird little facts that might not help you personally, but might help you be a little more understanding towards other people. In the end, these new bits of knowledge will actually help you a lot in the long run.

1. If you tell people your goals, you're less likely to achieve them.
 
People have been studying this phenomenon since the 1930s, and it's been proven time and again. So the next time you get the urge to pester someone with questions about what their goals are, remember that you might not be helping.

2. Smart people tend to underestimate themselves, while the more ignorant tend to think they're brilliant. 

The more informed you are, the more possibilities you're aware of, including the one where you might be wrong. Everyone's confidence in their intelligence ebbs and flows depending on the situation, but don't get too cocky.

3. Your thinking and decision making will be more rational if you think or speak it in another language.

A study at the University of Chicago found that Korean exchange students made more rational, less biased decisions if they first translated all their information into English. This might be because translating forces you to be deliberate and consider each word, and thus come to a more level-headed solution. So the next time you're worried you're not being rational, dust off that language you studied in high school and see if it helps.

4. When you remember something, you're actually remembering the last time you remembered it, rather than the event itself.

This one is a little mind-boggling, but this is why people's memories get distorted over time -- it's like playing a years-long game of telephone with yourself.

5. Kids today are more stressed out than the average psych ward patient of 1950.

The 1950s had plenty of problems, but at least no one was auditioning for preschool. There's also the fact that we now have a better knowledge of mental health and illness, so it's easier to diagnose issues that might have flown under the radar earlier. However, with everything that's happened in the past 65 years, people have very different things to stress out over.

6. 18-to-33-year-olds are the most stressed out people.

Having to deal with education, figuring out a career path, and entering the work world full time makes for a terrible combination that results in a lot of stress. Combine that with the fact that none of us are going to get Social Security, like, ever, and you have the perfect storm.

7. Music can change your outlook.

The soundtrack of your life can drastically alter your perception of events, even if you're not aware of it. Why do you think such attention is paid to movie soundtracks? If you don't believe this, put on your favorite movie with the sound off, and play the same scene with different songs in the background. You'll see how quickly your perception of the visuals changes.

8. Your favorite song(s) are probably linked to an emotional event.

Just like music can change your perception of the present, a specific song can bring you back to a very different time. Just hearing it will give you a little emotional reminder of the first time you heard it. Of course, the more you hear it in different settings, the more that association might fade.

9. Money can actually buy happiness.

Yeah, it's true. People who struggle financially will, naturally, be more stressed out. Have you ever heard a poor person say that money can't buy happiness? Didn't think so.This has a cap, though. Once people reach the income of about $75-$80,000, their happiness levels don't change, even if they make more money. Basically, if they can feed themselves and have a home without worrying about running out of money, people will be happy.

10. Spending money on other people makes you happy.

Therapy shopping for yourself is often a hollow happiness, like drinking alone, but when you buy gifts for other people, it can actually make you happier. We're not saying you should blow your money irresponsibly, but buying (or making) gifts for other people is like a gift to yourself, too.

11. Spending money on experiences rather than objects makes you happier.

Getting to do or see something exciting makes for a better memory than just getting a thing and looking at it from time to time. After all, you'll have more to talk about, and the action of going and doing something is more fulfilling than simply obtaining an object.

12. Meditation and prayer can cut stress.

You don't have to be religious to meditate, and studies show it's good for you to sit quietly on a regular basis. You might not think you have time, but the next time you feel like vegging out in front of the TV, try slow, even breathing and clearing your mind for a while.

13. You can convince your brain that you slept well, even if you didn't.

Take a few deep breaths and think about how well you slept last night. If you can convince yourself of that, you'll feel a little boost of energy. It's called "placebo sleep," but don't use this as a regular excuse to not get actual sleep. You still need that.

14. Surrounding yourself with happy people makes you happy.

You know that one friend you have who complains all the time and takes no joy in everything? You know how you feel after hanging out with them? Exactly. Spending time with people who are positive and content will rub off on you and lift your mood. Likewise, don't be that negative friend -- be someone else's positive buddy!

The Health Perks of Being a Narcissist

Narcissists are not the most pleasant people to have in your life, but there are, it seems, some health perks to the personality trait, according to a paper published recently in Personality and Individual Differences. In it, Peter K. Jonason of the University of Western Sydney reports on the health implications of some of the nastier characteristics of human nature: narcissism, Machiavellianism (a manipulative personality, basically), and psychopathy, a trio psychologists call the Dark Triad. Of these, only narcissism was associated with few physical or mental illnesses, and, according to self-reports, the trait is also linked with a stronger subjective sense of well-being.

The researchers used a variety of indicators to measure the physical and mental health of 1,389 undergraduates at an American university, plus 2,023 high-school students and 280 British undergrads. The study participants took questionnaires to assess Dark Triad traits, admitting how strongly they agreed with statements like "I tend to want others to admire me" or "I have used deceit or lied to get my way." The students also answered surveys designed to measure psychological health and social skills, as well as a survey asking about their physical health ("Compared to others your age, how would you rate your health?").

Overall, Jonason and his team found few links between narcissism and physical- or mental-health issues; narcissists even tended to report higher subjective well-being than those who scored lower in narcissism. Psychopathy and Machiavellianism, on the other hand, were linked to worse health overall, including mental ailments like depression.

The authors explain their findings this way:

Narcissism may be unique from the other traits in its "social" orientation; characterized by a tendency to seek external validation and attention and high emotional intelligence. Unlike psychopathy and Machiavellianism that may be associated with a tendency to distance oneself from others, narcissism may facilitate the active and passive accrual of a social network. This may act as a buffer from the deleterious health outcomes that the other traits are linked to.

Psychopathy and Machiavellianism, in other words, are traits that tend to result in social isolation. Narcissists, on the other hand, live for the validation of other people, and this social aspect of the trait may end up protecting their health. (Though it could also be that narcissists, full of themselves as they are, gave themselves all A-pluses in this series of self-reports.) Irritating as they are, this finding suggests that narcissists may win in the end.

Fear Hack: Short-Circuit Fear With The 3 Second Rule

The three second rule. You may have heard of it (no, not that one). It’s an approach strategy conceived by pick up artists.

The rule is, if you see someone you’re attracted to, make your move within three seconds. Wait any longer and fearful thoughts will creep into your mind like a courage-stealing thief.

Once that happens, the probability of you making a move dwindles to practically zero.

Keep in mind that the three second rule isn’t exclusive to the dating realm. It applies to any situation where fear interferes with doing. The rule works because it prevents conscious thinking, the kind of thinking that manufactures fear and suffering.

Remove time, and you remove fear.

Nick Taylor
February 11, 2011 at 1:57 am

Yea – for some reason I tend to get myself into lots of situations where “individuals from the class do something in front of the class”. Drama classes mainly, but there are others.

Always be first.

I find if I leave it until other people have had a go, it becomes impossibly stressful. If you’re “in first” as a matter of principle, nervousness simply doesn’t get a foothold.

How to Optimize Your Environment for Creativity with The Perfect Temperature, Lighting and Noise Levels

There’s so much going on in the brain during creativity that science is still trying to pin down exactly how it all works.

What we do know is which three parts of the brain work together to help us create and come up with new ideas:

The Attentional Control Network helps us with laser focus on a particular task. It’s the one that we activate when we need to concentrate on complicated problems or pay attention to a task like reading or listening to a talk.

The Imagination Network as you might have guessed, is used for things like imagining future scenarios and remembering things that happened in the past. This network helps us to construct mental images when we’re engaged in these activities.

The Attentional Flexibility Network has the important role of monitoring what’s going on around us, as well as inside our brains, and switching between the Imagination Network and Attentional Control for us.

You can see the Attentional Control Network (in green) and the Imagination Network (in red) in the image below.

Understanding how important connections are to creativity has also made a difference to how I try to generate new ideas. Once we have a lot of knowledge, we need to spend time making connections between it all—this is where creativity comes in.

I’ve shared some ideas in my previous post about creativity to help you come up with new ideas, such as putting yourself in challenging situations, criticizing your own ideas and being open to having lots of (bad) ideas in order to find just a few great ones—something Seth Godin is a fan of:

Someone asked me where I get all my good ideas, explaining that it takes him a month or two to come up with one and I seem to have more than that. I asked him how many bad ideas he has every month. He paused and said, “none.”

These tips are handy, but I’ve found that my environment makes a big difference to how productive I am, and how easily I can brainstorm new, creative ideas.

It turns out, environmental factors like noise levels, temperature and lighting can make a big difference to how creative we are. Here’s what the research says about setting up your environment for optimal levels of creativity.

Sound — ambient noise levels are best for creativity

As I found in my research on how music affects the brain, loud music is not necessarily the best option for creative work.

Far from blasting music through out headphones, it turns out that a moderate noise level is the sweet spot for creativity. Ambient noise gets our creative juices flowing unlike silence, and doesn’t put us off the way high levels of noise do.

Here’s how it works: moderate noise levels increase processing difficulty which promotes abstract processing, leading to higher creativity. Or, in other words, when we struggle just enough to process things as we normally would, we resort to more creative approaches.

In high noise levels, our creative thinking is impaired because we’re overwhelmed and struggle to process information efficiently. I know I’ve felt this when it’s lunchtime in my co-working space, or my neighbors are renovating their apartment while I’m trying to work.

A University of Chicago study found that ambient noise was the optimal level for creativity, whereas extreme quiet sharpens our focus, making it hard for us to think creatively.

Another study about ambient noise showed that when it comes to being distracted by the conversations of others, phone calls where we can only hear one side of the conversation are the worst offenders.

After a survey showed that up to 82% of people find overhearing cellphone conversations annoying, Veronica Galván, a cognitive psychologist at the University of San Diego, looked into why these are so distracting.

In the study, participants completed puzzles while they overheard either one side of a mundane phone conversation or an entire conversation as it took place between two people in the room.

Those who heard the one-sided phone conversation found it more distracting than those who heard both people speaking. They also remembered more of the conversation, showing that it had grabbed their attention.

So if you’re heading to a co-working space, open office or coffee shop to get some work done, keep in mind that phone conversations will dampen your creativity.

Temperature — keep your office warm

A study from Cornell University tested different office temperatures at a large Florida insurance company and found the following:

When temperatures were low (68 degrees or 20 degrees Celsius) employees made 44% more mistakes than at optimal room temperature (77 degrees or 25 degrees Celsius).

The problem isn’t just being uncomfortable in cold temperatures, but rather that you are more distracted. If you are feeling cold, you are using a substantial amount of your energy to simply keep warm.

Thus, a lot less energy goes towards concentration on creative work.

Increasing the temperature in your office, adding more clothing layers or bringing a portable heater to work could make all the difference when it comes to increasing your creativity. Be careful not to make it too warm though, as being hot decreases productivity as much as being cold does:

Lighting — turn down the lights for more creativity

An important point to remember when you’re optimizing for creativity is that the process of creative work goes through different stages. When I’m editing a blog post, for instance, I’m less worried about generating creative ideas than I am when I’m brainstorming topics or mapping out the structure of a post.

So optimizing your environment could call for different situations depending on the phase of work—e.g. remember how I mentioned earlier than silence is best for concentration?

When it comes to lighting, keeping the lights down low can be beneficial for generating creative ideas, though you might want to adjust the brightness when you need to focus at a later stage of your work! This infographic from PayScale has some tips on lighting for productivity:



Research published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology looked at the difference in creativity levels in brightly-lit and dimly-lit environments over six studies.

The research found that dim lighting helps us to feel less constrained and free to explore and take risks. Two of the studies tested this feeling in particular, and found that “darkness elicits a feeling of being free from constraints and triggers a risky, explorative processing style.”

So when you’re gearing up for a brainstorming session, try turning down the lights before you get started.

Space — keep a separate, messy desk

One of my favorite talks about creativity is this one by John Cleese. I can’t think of many people more suited to speaking on this topic, and he doesn’t disappoint.

One of the main points John makes is that your creativity is like a tortoise: It pokes its head out nervously to ensure the environment is safe before it fully emerges. Your creativity won’t show up when you’re nervous or stressed, busy or surrounded by hustle and bustle. It’s a very particular kind of thinking.

John says to help your “tortoise mind” emerge, you need to create an oasis for it, amongst the craziness of modern life, where it feels safe:

You can’t become playful, and therefore creative, if you’re under your usual pressures.

Removing yourself from your normal work environment—i.e. your “busy” space—to a free, creative space sends a signal to your brain. And if you do this consistently, your tortoise brain will learn to recognize the place as a safety zone for creative thinking. If you can, add the suggestions of optimal temperature, lighting and noise levels to your creative space, and do your “busy work” elsewhere.

Research has shown that a messy space is more conducive to creativity than a tidy one, so separating your clean and tidy work desk and a messy creative space could be optimal for switching between the two modes of work.

Writer Austin Kleon does exactly this in his work space, with one analog desk for creative work and one digital desk for “busy” work:

One glass of wine makes you sexier

Drinking just one glass of wine makes you appear more attractive than when you’re sober, according to British researchers who caution that drinking more makes the effect go away.

In the study, a group made up of 20 men and 20 women were asked to rate the attractiveness of people in a series of photos.

The models in the photos were depicted after drinking either 250 ml of wine or 500 ml of wine.

Regardless of the case, all models had also been photographed sober.

Study participants rated the models as being more attractive after drinking one glass of wine — 250 ml — than they were in their sober photos.

Yet the models who had drank more than one glass didn’t bring in the same high rankings, at least not when compared to their sober photos.

To explain their results, the research team presumes the increased allure comes from increased blood flow that brings on facial flushing.

Light drinking could also boost the spirits in a manner that becomes visible in subtle smiles and increased relaxation.

The study was published in the journal Alcohol and Alcoholism.

Oblique Strategies

Abandon desire Abandon normal instructions
Accept advice
Adding on
A line has two sides
Always the first steps
Ask people to work against their better judgement
Ask your body
Be dirty
Be extravagant
Be less critical
Breathe more deeply
Bridges -build -burn
Change ambiguities to specifics
Change nothing and continue consistently
Change specifics to ambiguities
Consider transitions
Courage!
Cut a vital connection
Decorate, decorate
Destroy nothing; Destroy the most important thing
Discard an axiom
Disciplined self-indulgence
Discover your formulas and abandon them
Display your talent
Distort time
Do nothing for as long as possible
Don't avoid what is easy
Don't break the silence
Don't stress one thing more than another
Do something boring
Do something sudden, destructive and unpredictable
Do the last thing first
Do the words need changing?
Emphasize differences
Emphasize the flaws
Faced with a choice, do both (from Dieter Rot)
Find a safe part and use it as an anchor
Give the game away
Give way to your worst impulse
Go outside. Shut the door.
Go to an extreme, come part way back
How would someone else do it?
How would you have done it?
In total darkness, or in a very large room, very quietly
Is it finished?
Is something missing?
Is the style right?
It is simply a matter or work
Just carry on
Listen to the quiet voice
Look at the order in which you do things
Magnify the most difficult details
Make it more sensual
Make what's perfect more human
Move towards the unimportant
Not building a wall; making a brick
Once the search has begun, something will be found
Only a part, not the whole
Only one element of each kind
Openly resist change
Pae White's non-blank graphic metacard
Question the heroic
Remember quiet evenings
Remove a restriction
Repetition is a form of change
Retrace your steps
Reverse
Simple Subtraction
Slow preparation, fast execution
State the problem as clearly as possible
Take a break
Take away the important parts
The inconsistency principle
The most easily forgotten thing is the most important
Think - inside the work -outside the work
Tidy up
Try faking it (from Stewart Brand)
Turn it upside down
Use an old idea
Use cliches
Use filters
Use something nearby as a model
Use 'unqualified' people
Use your own ideas
Voice your suspicions
Water
What context would look right?
What is the simplest solution?
What mistakes did you make last time?
What to increase? What to reduce? What to maintain?
What were you really thinking about just now?
What wouldn't you do?
What would your closest friend do?
When is it for?
Where is the edge?
Which parts can be grouped?
Work at a different speed
Would anyone want it?
Your mistake was a hidden intention

The Whole Point of Every Relationship (is probably not what you think it is).

Via Natasha Blank

I’m not an expert on relationships, but I’ve had a bunch and learned from them.

At least enough to gain some intellectual insight that (hopefully) translates over time into a living breathing shift of being.

Turns out, it’s not about making each other happy, or any other kind of imagined perfection. It’s about helping the person in front of you be everything they truly are.

Here are some ways to do that.

1. Hold each other accountable.

Understand the gift she is here to give this world.

2. Call bullshit.

Reflect when she isn’t giving it.

3. Let go.

Trust in his separate journey, even when what he’s doing makes zero sense to you.

4. Remember that your job is not to make your partner happy.

It’s to allow her the space to find her own happiness—when you’re together, and when you’re apart.

5. Be honest.

One hundred percent. The permission you give yourself to be all of who you are is what creates that space.

6. Fight well.

You’re both on the same team. Your opposition is the misunderstanding—not each other.

7. Embrace attraction to others.

It’s there. Communicate, be clear (with everyone, including yourself), and enjoy your fabulous human existence.

8. Do your work.

It’s usually not about him, or her. Your partner is a flashlight illuminating where you’ve still got work to do. Those feelings of jealousy, resentment and hurt? They’re showing you all the places in you that need your own healing.

9. Remember that you’re a mirror, too.

Reflect back all the beauty that lives in him. Especially when he forgets.

10. Enjoy the ride, man!

Seriously. You’re never going to figure it all out, so you might as well just love everybody.

New study finds that closing your eyes boosts memory recall

In a new study, published in the journal Legal and Criminology Psychology, researchers from the University of Surrey have found further evidence to suggest that eyewitnesses to crimes remember more accurate details when they close their eyes. The team also discovered that building a rapport with witnesses also helped them to remember more.

178 participants took part across two studies. In the first experiment, participants watched a film depicting an electrician entering a property, carrying out jobs and stealing items. Each participant was then randomly assigned one of four conditions, either eyes closed or open, and having built up a rapport with the interviewer or not. They were then asked a series of questions about the film, such as 'what was written on the front of the van?' The team found that closing their eyes led participants to answer 23 per cent more of the questions correctly. Building rapport also increased the number of correct answers, however, closing their eyes was effective regardless of whether rapport had been built or not.

The second experiment took the memory task one step further, by asking witnesses about things they had heard, as well as things they had seen. This time, participants watched a clip from Crimewatch, showing a reconstruction of a burglary where an elderly man was attacked in his home. Results showed that closing their eyes helped participants recall both audio and visual details, both when they had built rapport and when they had not.

Across both experiments, participants who did not build rapport said they felt less comfortable when they closed their eyes, compared to when they kept their eyes open. In contrast, participants who built rapport felt more comfortable when they closed their eyes.

"It is clear from our research that closing the eyes and building rapport help with witness recall," said lead author Dr Robert Nash from the University of Surrey.

"Although closing your eyes to remember seems to work whether or not rapport has been built beforehand, our results show that building rapport makes witnesses more at ease with closing their eyes. That in itself is vital if we are to encourage witnesses to use this helpful technique during interviews."

To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This

By MANDY LEN CATRON

More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.

Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?”

He was a university acquaintance I occasionally ran into at the climbing gym and had thought, “What if?” I had gotten a glimpse into his days on Instagram. But this was the first time we had hung out one-on-one.

“Actually, psychologists have tried making people fall in love,” I said, remembering Dr. Aron’s study. “It’s fascinating. I’ve always wanted to try it.”

I first read about the study when I was in the midst of a breakup. Each time I thought of leaving, my heart overruled my brain. I felt stuck. So, like a good academic, I turned to science, hoping there was a way to love smarter.

I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

“Let’s try it,” he said.

Let me acknowledge the ways our experiment already fails to line up with the study. First, we were in a bar, not a lab. Second, we weren’t strangers. Not only that, but I see now that one neither suggests nor agrees to try an experiment designed to create romantic love if one isn’t open to this happening.

I Googled Dr. Aron’s questions; there are 36. We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question.

They began innocuously: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” And “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”

But they quickly became probing.

In response to the prompt, “Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common,” he looked at me and said, “I think we’re both interested in each other.”

I grinned and gulped my beer as he listed two more commonalities I then promptly forgot. We exchanged stories about the last time we each cried, and confessed the one thing we’d like to ask a fortuneteller. We explained our relationships with our mothers.

The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn’t feel the water getting hotter until it’s too late. With us, because the level of vulnerability increased gradually, I didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months.

I liked learning about myself through my answers, but I liked learning things about him even more. The bar, which was empty when we arrived, had filled up by the time we paused for a bathroom break.

I sat alone at our table, aware of my surroundings for the first time in an hour, and wondered if anyone had been listening to our conversation. If they had, I hadn’t noticed. And I didn’t notice as the crowd thinned and the night got late.

We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative. Ours was the kind of accelerated intimacy I remembered from summer camp, staying up all night with a new friend, exchanging the details of our short lives. At 13, away from home for the first time, it felt natural to get to know someone quickly. But rarely does adult life present us with such circumstances.

The moments I found most uncomfortable were not when I had to make confessions about myself, but had to venture opinions about my partner. For example: “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner, a total of five items” (Question 22), and “Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met” (Question 28).

Much of Dr. Aron’s research focuses on creating interpersonal closeness. In particular, several studies investigate the ways we incorporate others into our sense of self. It’s easy to see how the questions encourage what they call “self-expansion.” Saying things like, “I like your voice, your taste in beer, the way all your friends seem to admire you,” makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other.

It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the time.

We finished at midnight, taking far longer than the 90 minutes for the original study. Looking around the bar, I felt as if I had just woken up. “That wasn’t so bad,” I said. “Definitely less uncomfortable than the staring into each other’s eyes part would be.”

He hesitated and asked. “Do you think we should do that, too?”

“Here?” I looked around the bar. It seemed too weird, too public.

“We could stand on the bridge,” he said, turning toward the window.

The night was warm and I was wide-awake. We walked to the highest point, then turned to face each other. I fumbled with my phone as I set the timer.

“O.K.,” I said, inhaling sharply.

“O.K.,” he said, smiling.

I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life. I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to breathe properly. There was a lot of nervous smiling until, eventually, we settled in.

I know the eyes are the windows to the soul or whatever, but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me. Once I embraced the terror of this realization and gave it time to subside, I arrived somewhere unexpected.

I felt brave, and in a state of wonder. Part of that wonder was at my own vulnerability and part was the weird kind of wonder you get from saying a word over and over until it loses its meaning and becomes what it actually is: an assemblage of sounds.

So it was with the eye, which is not a window to anything but a rather clump of very useful cells. The sentiment associated with the eye fell away and I was struck by its astounding biological reality: the spherical nature of the eyeball, the visible musculature of the iris and the smooth wet glass of the cornea. It was strange and exquisite.

When the timer buzzed, I was surprised — and a little relieved. But I also felt a sense of loss. Already I was beginning to see our evening through the surreal and unreliable lens of retrospect.

Most of us think about love as something that happens to us. We fall. We get crushed.

But what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common, because we have close relationships with our mothers, and because he let me look at him.

I wondered what would come of our interaction. If nothing else, I thought it would make a good story. But I see now that the story isn’t about us; it’s about what it means to bother to know someone, which is really a story about what it means to be known.

It’s true you can’t choose who loves you, although I’ve spent years hoping otherwise, and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.

But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.

You’re probably wondering if he and I fell in love. Well, we did. Although it’s hard to credit the study entirely (it may have happened anyway), the study did give us a way into a relationship that feels deliberate. We spent weeks in the intimate space we created that night, waiting to see what it could become.

Love didn’t happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be.

Feet Don't Lie: Look Down to Tell What Others Are Really Thinking

The importance of body language is stressed from an early age: watch those around you, and you'll know what they're thinking. While you might be skilled at deciphering the messages of crossed arms, slouched sitting, eye movements, and hand gestures, the key to understanding those around you is a little less obvious.

Rather than looking at the faces and postures of others, look towards the ground. The feet don't lie, and you'll learn a lot more about the people you're chatting with just by the position of them.

How to Decipher Someone's Feet Language

According to researcher Carol Kinsey Goman, we adjust our feet to our feelings about the course of any given conversation: if people turn their feet—not just their upper bodies—toward you, they want to engage with you and welcome you into the conversation. (It also encourages trust.)

As the Buffer app notes, Goman points out how unwelcoming feet can be when turned away from you: "When you approach two people talking, you will be acknowledged in one of two ways. If the feet of your two colleagues stay in place and they twist only their upper torsos in your direction, they don't really want you to join the conversation. But if their feet open to include you then you know that you are truly invited to participate."

For example, unless your work buddies turn their entire bodies to face you, you should probably politely back out of the conversation you just tried to enter.

Goman further explains that foot positioning can also signal when it's time for you to wrap up your discussions. When feet turn away, particularly in the direction of a door, those people are ready to wrap things up and want the talk to end. Although they might appear to be engaged in the conversation at hand, their feet are already preparing to head for the door.

Don't allow the upper body to sway you—unless your friend's feet are facing the same direction as the rest of their body, they aren't truly invested in what you're saying.

Why Our Feet Give It All Away

Worried someone's feet are lying rather than expressing their true feelings? With so many signals and easy ways to tweak body language, it can be confusing when trying to read another's signals, but our feet aren't as easily controlled as the rest of our body.

Goman notes, in an article written for American Management Association, that our feet are unintentionally expressive because they haven't been trained. When we attempt to control the emotions we convey, we focus only on our upper body and face, leaving our feet and legs to act of their own "free will," in a sense.

Basically, we show our true feelings through our feet: we shift, shuffle, and adjust our posture based on how comfortable we are in any given situation. Hate hanging out with unfamiliar groups? You probably spend a lot of time around strangers crossing and uncrossing your ankles. Desperately want to exit a weird conversation? Chances are, you're unconsciously curling and stretching your toes.

Go Ahead, Break Eye Contact & Feet Gaze

Though it might be considered impolite to stare at the ground during social events, you may want to start looking away from those around you to stare at their feet. The more clued in you are to others' foot movements and positioning, the better you'll be able to read what's happening around you.

If, for some reason, you can't get a feel for what someone is thinking by the position of their feet, then you can pay attention to the rest of their body language signs. And when someone is purposely lying, the face is the next best place to look.

10 Helpful Tips To Lead A Happy Life

A (mostly) satirical response to the flood of lists on the internet that think “the top 20 things to do in your 20s” are universally applicable.

1. Wake Up

Open your eyes at least once for the day at whatever time you please. You don’t have to stay awake if you don’t feel like it. You don’t have to leave your bed if you don’t feel like it. It’s your choice how you want to spend your day – so start it off the way you want to (or at least the closest thing to what you want, since external obligations can get in the way of that).

2. Choose your meals

That may seem like an incomplete sentence, but it’s not. To whatever degree you can, choose what you eat. Eat or don’t eat the cheesecake – it’s up to you! And whichever you choose, choose it for you. You get to pick what fuels your body – so make a conscious decision to enjoy your food. If you find satisfaction in eating an organic salad with all kinds of nuts and fruit, then eat it because you want to. Plus, damn…those salads can be real tasty when you make them right. Or you can eat an entire pizza. Seriously, no one is going to stop you other than, well, you.

3. Wear clothes that make you feel

Pick your clothes for how you feel in them, not how you want others to feel about you in them. Let them express how you feel! Or let the express the opposite of how you feel to challenge your own perspective! Or just grab what’s on top if the pile if you feel that fashion isn’t your thing. Dress yourself like yourself. Whatever that means. Even if you feel best naked, you can do that (in certain circumstances, however, you may want to consider the legality of this clothing option).

4. Use your face

If you’re happy, smile. If you’re not happy, you don’t have to smile. Or you can, if you want to try to cheer up. But don’t feel obligated. You have a unique face filled with so many muscles and possibilities for expression- use them!

 5. Connect and Disconnect

Say hi to a random stranger, or walk with headphones in. Spend all day in nature or spend all day on Facebook/(insert hip and trendy social network here). Do both! Change it up! Try one and see if you like it – and if you don’t, then you never have to do it again! They are all valuable and they are all valid. Connect to whomever you want to because you feel the impulse, not just because I told you to.

6. Be absolutely totally obsessed with something

Then change your obsession tomorrow. Feel what it’s like to commit all your energy to something – or try being obsessed with a few things – or even try being obsessed with finding out as many unrelated things as possible! Spread your energy as widely or as narrowly as you please, as long as you control where you put your focus.

7. Be a sponge

Try to learn something new every day, even if it’s only the repetition of something you already know. Learn something about yourself. Learn something about empowering yourself. Learn something about making decisions. Learn how to breathe a little deeper. Or even a little more shallow. Then assess the change.
You can also dress up as Spongebob Squarepants. That will fulfill this step.

8. Vocalize

Use your voice (verbally or non-verbally) to express yourself. You don’t have to be loud, you don’t have to be quiet. You just have to be you; use your body and your voice to share yourself with the world to whatever degree you feel like it. This is especially helpful to those who don’t read minds.

9. Make choices 

Don’t let things happen for the sake of not making a choice. You can choose to go with the flow. You can choose to plan things. What’s important is that you make a conscious choice of how you want to spend your life. It’s yours. Though the choices are limited by external factors, and sometimes there are no truly desirable options, you will always have a choice. So let yourself make them.

10. Live

Check your pulse. Still going? Good. You’ve got this in the bag.

7 Magic Words (And 10 Negotiation Ideas) For Entrepreneurs

1. Know your objective. Ross Kimbarovsky, the co-founder of crowdSPRING, a Chicago-based digital agency that provides a virtual marketplace for freelance design and branding creatives, suggests that you take the time you need to be very sure of the bottom line objectives you need in order for a deal to go through. Have in mind a Plan B that would be your next best alternative if Plan A were not to go through. Without this preparatory thinking you may spend weeks in fruitless negotiation or could end up finding yourself tied to an unfavorable deal. For example, in negotiating the initial hosting agreement for crowdSPRING, he knew immediately when his discussions with Vendor A were unfruitful and within minutes was on the phone with Vendor B, who he had scoped in advance and who was able to make the concessions he needed.
2. Prepare. When it comes to an important sale or a job you really want to win (or to hire for), learn all you can about the other participant(s) in advance. You’ll gain helpful information about what matters most to the other person (and to their company). Think about the long term ramifications of an agreement as well (particularly important in investment decisions—there is far more to consider than the black and white ROI).
3. Learn to really listen. How many times in a dialogue do you and the other person in the conversation come away with diametrically opposite recollections of what was actually said? Far too often. We focus too heavily on our strategy, our needs, our fears and the next thing we intend to express to be genuinely hearing what the other person says with their words, and even more importantly what they express nonverbally. Be patient, and do your utmost to let the other party speak freely and to not interrupt.
4. Learn the 7 magic words. “What I might be willing to consider is…”  This is my very favorite bit of wisdom from Kaye. In actuality, you have agreed to nothing. In fact you and the listener may be at opposite poles when you make this statement, but by uttering these words you’ve elevated the conversation to a space that allows for a meaningful dialogue to occur and you’ve laid the foundation for give and take. Emotionally, these words move you closer to the same side of the table where together you can identify if there is a partnership or a deal to be had.
5. Never make the first offer. Another variation of this rule that you may hear is “He (or she) who speaks first, loses.” Kaye teaches more on this principle in materials from his website (some paid, some free) at www.richardkaye.com.  But in short, it’s important to recognize that stating the first offer puts you at an immediate disadvantage.  Your first offer (or price) may be so far out of the realm of the listener you may actually insult them. Allow the other party to speak first and you will learn invaluable information about their starting point and their frame of reference that will allow you to frame the conversation from there.
6. Never be intimidated. Kimbarovsky raises this point, which I love. A larger organization assumes a smaller team can be intimidated. They will tell you they have form agreements their legal teams will not allow them to alter. In many if not most of these cases, this is not true. In my own earlier days I was far too willing to agree to prices and terms (out of fear of meeting my own team’s payroll) that weren’t advantageous to our company. Likewise, I allowed pushy employees to go too far with unreasonable demands. These days I do neither. It’s not a question of being a bully, but remembering your own bottom line and being able to utter the words without fear or hesitation, “That won’t work for me,” and then articulate why, and what you’d need to proceed. Perhaps there is a workable alternative. With one major client, their ability to pay electronically on the 30^th day of the month, no fail, made their other terms more workable and we stayed. Conversely, another organization we know was bullied into carrying more than $1 million in in vendor charges for one of their largest clients, a major national bank. It was a rich contract, but ultimately, the one-sided arrangement contributed to causing their business to fail. No matter who the participant is, if your terms aren’t possible, walk away.
7. Pay attention to perception. Get to know the people you’re negotiating with well enough that you are able to read their emotional reactions (which will also be helpful in managing and controlling the reactions of your own). Chances are, you have become skilled in reading the reactions of your own team members, Kimbarovsky and Kaye have both noted, but you will need to be equally attentive to the reactions and perceptions of the other parties you don’t yet know well.
8. Be authentic. Kimbarovsky notes that some people walk into a discussion with a set of “fake” needs they’ve trumped up that they can pretend to bargain away over the course of discussion, making it appear they’ve made major concessions when in fact they’ve conceded nothing at all. While this tactic can sometimes succeed, be very wary of disingenuous acts. Far better is a collaborative discussion that seeks to understand the interests and needs of both sides with accuracy.
9. Create multiple potential solutions. A mistake many negotiators make is limiting the potential outcomes to too few alternatives (although the opposite problem would be presenting so many possible alternatives that it bogs down the recipient with too many choices to make). But for the most part, negotiators tend to limit the options they provide too early, which closes off the opportunity for meaningful brainstorming and positive outcomes to occur.
10. Confirm the points of agreement and disagreement clearly. After each discussion, send a follow up message that articulates the positions of each party clearly. It can lead to a faster conclusion and can save valuable time that would otherwise be spent re-hashing the positions that you have already cleared. It helps the other party know that you are listening carefully and understanding them fully. It will also help you to prepare more beneficially for the next meeting or conversation you’ll have.

Einstein’s Secret to Amazing Problem Solving (and 10 Specific Ways You Can Use It)

Einstein is quoted as having said that if he had one hour to save the world he would spend fifty-five minutes defining the problem and only five minutes finding the solution.

This quote does illustrate an important point: before jumping right into solving a problem, we should step back and invest time and effort to improve our understanding of it. Here are 10 strategies you can use to see problems from many different perspectives and master what is the most important step in problem solving: clearly defining the problem in the first place!

The Problem Is To Know What the Problem Is

The definition of the problem will be the focal point of all your problem-solving efforts. As such, it makes sense to devote as much attention and dedication to problem definition as possible. What usually happens is that as soon as we have a problem to work on we’re so eager to get to solutions that we neglect spending any time refining it.

What most of us don’t realize — and what supposedly Einstein might have been alluding to — is that the quality of the solutions we come up with will be in direct proportion to the quality of the description of the problem we’re trying to solve. Not only will your solutions be more abundant and of higher quality, but they’ll be achieved much, much more easily. Most importantly, you’ll have the confidence to be tackling a worthwhile problem.

Problem Definition Tools and Strategies

The good news is that getting different perspectives and angles in order to clearly define a problem is a skill that can be learned and developed. As such, there are many strategies you can use to perfect it. Here are the 10 most effective ones I know.

1. Rephrase the Problem

When a Toyota executive asked employees to brainstorm “ways to increase their productivity”, all he got back were blank stares. When he rephrased his request as “ways to make their jobs easier”, he could barely keep up with the amount of suggestions.

Words carry strong implicit meaning and, as such, play a major role in how we perceive a problem. In the example above, ‘be productive’ might seem like a sacrifice you’re doing for the company, while ‘make your job easier’ may be more like something you’re doing for your own benefit, but from which the company also benefits. In the end, the problem is still the same, but the feelings — and the points of view — associated with each of them are vastly different.

Play freely with the problem statement, rewording it several times. For a methodic approach, take single words and substitute variations. ‘Increase sales’? Try replacing ‘increase’ with ‘attract’, ‘develop’, ‘extend’, ‘repeat’ and see how your perception of the problem changes. A rich vocabulary plays an important role here, so you may want to use a thesaurus or develop your vocabulary.

2. Expose and Challenge Assumptions

Every problem — no matter how apparently simple it may be — comes with a long list of assumptions attached. Many of these assumptions may be inaccurate and could make your problem statement inadequate or even misguided.

The first step to get rid of bad assumptions is to make them explicit. Write a list and expose as many assumptions as you can — especially those that may seem the most obvious and ‘untouchable’.

That, in itself, brings more clarity to the problem at hand. But go further and test each assumption for validity: think in ways that they might not be valid and their consequences. What you will find may surprise you: that many of those bad assumptions are self-imposed — with just a bit of scrutiny you are able to safely drop them.

For example, suppose you’re about to enter the restaurant business. One of your assumptions might be ‘restaurants have a menu’. While such an assumption may seem true at first, try challenging it and maybe you’ll find some very interesting business models (such as one restaurant in which customers bring dish ideas for the chef to cook, for example).

3. Chunk Up

Each problem is a small piece of a greater problem. In the same way that you can explore a problem laterally — such as by playing with words or challenging assumptions — you can also explore it at different “altitudes”.

If you feel you’re overwhelmed with details or looking at a problem too narrowly, look at it from a more general perspective. In order to make your problem more general, ask questions such as: “What’s this a part of?”, “What’s this an example of?” or “What’s the intention behind this?”.
For a detailed explanation of how this principle works, check the article Boost Your Brainstorm Effectiveness with the Why Habit.

Another approach that helps a lot in getting a more general view of a problem is replacing words in the problem statement with hypernyms. Hypernyms are words that have a broader meaning than the given word. (For example, a hypernym of ‘car’ is ‘vehicle’). A great, free tool for finding hypernyms for a given word is WordNet (just search for a word and click on the ‘S:’ label before the word definitions).

4. Chunk Down

If each problem is part of a greater problem, it also means that each problem is composed of many smaller problems. It turns out that decomposing a problem in many smaller problems — each of them more specific than the original — can also provide greater insights about it.

‘Chunking the problem down’ (making it more specific) is especially useful if you find the problem overwhelming or daunting.

Some of the typical questions you can ask to make a problem more specific are: “What are parts of this?” or “What are examples of this?”.

Just as in ‘chunking up’, word substitution can also come to great use here. The class of words that are useful here are hyponyms: words that are stricter in meaning than the given one. (E.g. two hyponyms of ‘car’ are ‘minivan’ and ‘limousine’). WordNet can also help you finding hyponyms.

5. Find Multiple Perspectives

Before rushing to solve a problem, always make sure you look at it from different perspectives. Looking at it with different eyes is a great way to have instant insight on new, overlooked directions.
For example, if you own a business and are trying to ‘increase sales’, try to view this problem from the point of view of, say, a customer. For example, from the customer’s viewpoint, this may be a matter of adding features to your product that one would be willing to pay more for.

Rewrite your problem statement many times, each time using one of these different perspectives. How would your competition see this problem? Your employees? Your mom?

Also, imagine how people in various roles would frame the problem. How would a politician see it? A college professor? A nun? Try to find the differences and similarities on how the different roles would deal with your problem.

6. Use Effective Language Constructs

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for properly crafting the perfect problem statement, but there are some language constructs that always help making it more effective:

• Assume a myriad of solutions. An excellent way to start a problem statement is: “In what ways might I…”. This expression is much superior to “How can I…” as it hints that there’s a multitude of solutions, and not just one — or maybe none. As simple as this sounds, the feeling of expectancy helps your brain find solutions.
• Make it positive. Negative sentences require a lot more cognitive power to process and may slow you down — or even derail your train of thought. Positive statements also help you find the real goal behind the problem and, as such, are much more motivating.
  For example: instead of finding ways to ‘quit smoking’, you may find that ‘increase your energy’, ‘live longer’ and others are much more worthwhile goals.
• Frame your problem in the form of a question. Our brain loves questions. If the question is powerful and engaging, our brains will do everything within their reach to answer it. We just can’t help it: Our brains will start working on the problem immediately and keep working in the background, even when we’re not aware of it.
• If you’re still stuck, consider using the following formula for phrasing your problem statement:
  “In what ways (action) (object) (qualifier) (end result)?”
  Example: In what ways might I package (action) my book (object) more attractively (qualifier) so people will buy more of it (end result)?

7. Make It Engaging

In addition to using effective language constructs, it’s important to come up with a problem statement that truly excites you so you’re in the best frame of mind for creatively tackling the problem. If the problem looks too dull for you, invest the time adding vigor to it while still keeping it genuine. Make it enticing. Your brain will thank (and reward) you later.

One thing is to ‘increase sales’ (boring), another one is ‘wow your customers’. One thing is ‘to create a personal development blog’, another completely different is to ‘empower readers to live fully’.

8. Reverse the Problem

One trick that usually helps when you’re stuck with a problem is turning it on its head.

If you want to win, find out what would make you lose. If you are struggling finding ways to ‘increase sales’, find ways to decrease them instead. Then, all you need to do is reverse your answers. ‘Make more sales calls’ may seem an evident way of increasing sales, but sometimes we only see these ‘obvious’ answers when we look at the problem from an opposite direction.

This seemingly convoluted method may not seem intuitive at first, but turning a problem on its head can uncover rather obvious solutions to the original problem.

9. Gather Facts

Investigate causes and circumstances of the problem. Probe details about it — such as its origins and causes. Especially if you have a problem that’s too vague, investigating facts is usually more productive than trying to solve it right away.

If, for example, the problem stated by your spouse is “You never listen to me”, the solution is not obvious. However, if the statement is “You don’t make enough eye contact when I’m talking to you,” then the solution is obvious and you can skip brainstorming altogether. (You’ll still need to work on the implementation, though!)

Ask yourself questions about the problem. What is not known about it? Can you draw a diagram of the problem? What are the problem boundaries? Be curious. Ask questions and gather facts. It is said that a well-defined problem is halfway to being solved: I would add that a perfectly-defined problem is not a problem anymore.

10. Problem-Solve Your Problem Statement

I know I risk getting into an infinite loop here, but as you may have noticed, getting the right perspective of a problem is, well, a problem in itself. As such, feel free to use any creative thinking technique you know to help. There are plenty to choose from:

You may want to give yourself an Idea Quota of problem statements. Or write a List of 100 problems to solve. SCAMPER your problem definition. These are just some of dozen techniques you can try.
Of course, how much effort you invest in defining the problem in contrast to how much effort you invest in solving your actual problem is a hard balance to achieve, though one which is attainable with practice.

Personally, I don’t think that 55 minutes of defining a problem versus 5 minutes acting on it is usually a good proportion. The point is that we must be aware of how important problem defining is and correct our tendency to spend too little time on it.

In fact, when you start paying more attention to how you define your problems, you’ll probably find that it is usually much harder than solving them. But you’ll also find that the payoff is well worth the effort.

12 Rituals Happy, Successful People Practice Every Day

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” ―Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every day Angel and I work with coaching clients who say all the right things and then do the exact opposite. They hope to experience growth, but they resist change. They want less stress, yet they indulge in drama. They long for better relationships, and then they refuse to trust anyone.

In other words, what they say they want and what they do with their time are hopelessly disconnected. And the two will never meet without intervention.

It’s important to note, though, that I get it. I understand where they’re coming from. I used to make the same mistakes. Change is hard to deal with. Needless drama can be addictive. Relationships take a lot of work. I’m sure you can relate.

In a nutshell, when it comes to working hard to achieve a substantial life goal of any kind – earning a degree, building a business, fostering a relationship, raising a family, becoming more mindful, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is:

“Am I willing to spend a little time every day like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?”

Think about it. We ultimately become what we repeatedly do. The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing – growing happens when what you know changes how you live.

And isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different? That’s the power of daily rituals.

Here are twelve daily rituals for long-term happiness and success:

1.  Exercise your integrity.

Living with integrity means:  Not settling for less than what you are capable of.  Communicating clearly and asking for what you want and need from people.  Speaking your truth, even when others judge you for it.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your morals and values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.  And, of course, always doing the right thing, even when it’s hard, and even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.

2.  Steer clear of drama and those who create it.

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the needless drama and the people who create it.  Staying out of other people’s drama is an incredibly effective way to stress less and smile more.

A good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it to their face, you shouldn’t say it behind their back.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”  Life is much too short to waste time talking about people, gossiping, and stirring up drama that has no substance.  If you don’t know, ask.  If you don’t agree, say so.  If you don’t like it, speak up.  But never judge people behind their back.  (Read The Four Agreements.)

3.  Replace judgment with encouragement.

No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it.  Yes, it’s very easy to judge someone else’s actions by what you assume your own actions would be if you were in their shoes.  But you only know what you THINK you would do, not what you WOULD do.

The truth is, we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our ideals.  So do your best to catch yourself when this happens.  Remember that when we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person, and everything about our own need to be critical.

Bottom line:  We have enough critics in this world.  Be an encourager.  You’ll see why.

4.  Be positive and spend time with positive people.

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Raise your awareness to your own inner strength and positivity.  You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life.  You can either give negativity power over your life, or you can choose to be positive instead by focusing on the great things that are truly important.  So talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems.  Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.  Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

In addition, do your best to spend more time with positive people and less time with negative ones.  People that deliberately doubt, judge and disrespect you are not worth your long-term time and attention.

5.  Make new choices as needed, rather than letting old ones make you.

You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who and what hurts you.  After all, who we ultimately become depends, in part, on who and what we let into our lives.  So don’t just settle for relationships and situations that have proven to be unworthy.  Exercise your right to choose differently.

Be the hero of your life, not the victim.  You may not control all the circumstances that happen to you, but you can decide not to be continuously reduced by the same ones.

6.  Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can.

As E.F. Schumacher once said, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.  It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”

Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting difference in your life.  Less really is more.  Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting.  Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships.  There is a big difference between what you want and what you need – between what’s excessive and what’s essential.

7.  Uphold your truth.

Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths.  But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Especially if this lie is tied to your identity in any way.  Because you can pretend for a while, but you can’t get away from yourself.  You can’t decide not to see and feel yourself anymore.  You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head and be someone else entirely.

Don’t try to be what “they” like – be who you are.  The people worth spending time with are interested in others who are confident enough to be themselves.  And that works out well, because you won’t be happy being anyone else.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)

8.  Express your love without reservations.

Love is a verb.  Act on it.  Today, be the reason someone feels incredibly loved and needed.  Give your love away like your life depends on it.

Many moons from now, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, the car you drove, and maybe not even your name.  But they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them.  The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you.  All of which represent the full expression of your love.

9.  Nurture your relationship with your significant other.

Intimate love is not just about finding the right person, but working with them to create the right relationship.  It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build and nurture until the end.  A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat and positive.  It should make your smile a little wider and your life a little brighter in the long run.

A relationship like this sounds great, but it isn’t easy.  It takes time and attention, and two people who are willing to work together every day to build something special.

10.  Loosen your grip on what’s not meant to fit in to your life.

Things will happen that you will not always understand, but maybe you’re not supposed to understand everything.  Maybe you’re just supposed to have faith, accept it and let it happen.
So never force anything.  Give it your best shot, and then let it be.

Most negative circumstances are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them.  Positive things happen in your life when you emotionally distance yourself from the negative things.  So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right.  Don’t let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.

11.  Embrace your humanness.

“Human” is the only real label we are born with.  Yet we forget so easily.

To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced, diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water.  For we are far more than the shape we’re currently in.  And we, like the wind, water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever remaining beautifully human.

12.  Ask yourself the right questions.

Voltaire once said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”  This is such sound advice, because if you keep asking yourself the wrong questions, you will never get an answer you like.

What questions are you asking yourself?  Are they helping you better understand your purpose?  Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?

Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your life.  And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come directly from YOU.  So instead of looking outside yourself for answers, start asking yourself the right questions.  For instance…

• “Who am I?”
• “What do I need?”
• “How do I function best?”
• “What do I have to give?”
• “What’s the next step I can take right now?”

It’s all about self-inquiries that help you stay true to your principles, pursue your desires, grow through adversity, and add value to the world around you.