The importance of body language is stressed from an early age: watch those around you, and you'll know what they're thinking. While you might be skilled at deciphering the messages of crossed arms, slouched sitting, eye movements, and hand gestures, the key to understanding those around you is a little less obvious.
Rather than looking at the faces and postures of others, look towards the ground. The feet don't lie, and you'll learn a lot more about the people you're chatting with just by the position of them.
How to Decipher Someone's Feet Language
According to researcher Carol Kinsey Goman, we adjust our feet to our feelings about the course of any given conversation: if people turn their feet—not just their upper bodies—toward you, they want to engage with you and welcome you into the conversation. (It also encourages trust.)
As the Buffer app notes, Goman points out how unwelcoming feet can be when turned away from you: "When you approach two people talking, you will be acknowledged in one of two ways. If the feet of your two colleagues stay in place and they twist only their upper torsos in your direction, they don't really want you to join the conversation. But if their feet open to include you then you know that you are truly invited to participate."
For example, unless your work buddies turn their entire bodies to face you, you should probably politely back out of the conversation you just tried to enter.
Goman further explains that foot positioning can also signal when it's time for you to wrap up your discussions. When feet turn away, particularly in the direction of a door, those people are ready to wrap things up and want the talk to end. Although they might appear to be engaged in the conversation at hand, their feet are already preparing to head for the door.
Don't allow the upper body to sway you—unless your friend's feet are facing the same direction as the rest of their body, they aren't truly invested in what you're saying.
Why Our Feet Give It All Away
Worried someone's feet are lying rather than expressing their true feelings? With so many signals and easy ways to tweak body language, it can be confusing when trying to read another's signals, but our feet aren't as easily controlled as the rest of our body.
Goman notes, in an article written for American Management Association, that our feet are unintentionally expressive because they haven't been trained. When we attempt to control the emotions we convey, we focus only on our upper body and face, leaving our feet and legs to act of their own "free will," in a sense.
Basically, we show our true feelings through our feet: we shift, shuffle, and adjust our posture based on how comfortable we are in any given situation. Hate hanging out with unfamiliar groups? You probably spend a lot of time around strangers crossing and uncrossing your ankles. Desperately want to exit a weird conversation? Chances are, you're unconsciously curling and stretching your toes.
Go Ahead, Break Eye Contact & Feet Gaze
Though it might be considered impolite to stare at the ground during social events, you may want to start looking away from those around you to stare at their feet. The more clued in you are to others' foot movements and positioning, the better you'll be able to read what's happening around you.
A (mostly) satirical response to the flood of lists on the internet that think “the top 20 things to do in your 20s” are universally applicable.
1. Wake Up
Open your eyes at least once for the day at whatever time you please.
You don’t have to stay awake if you don’t feel like it. You don’t have
to leave your bed if you don’t feel like it. It’s your choice how you
want to spend your day – so start it off the way you want to (or at
least the closest thing to what you want, since external obligations can
get in the way of that).
2. Choose your meals
That may seem like an incomplete sentence, but it’s not. To whatever
degree you can, choose what you eat. Eat or don’t eat the cheesecake –
it’s up to you! And whichever you choose, choose it for you. You get to
pick what fuels your body – so make a conscious decision to enjoy your
food. If you find satisfaction in eating an organic salad with all kinds
of nuts and fruit, then eat it because you want to. Plus, damn…those
salads can be real tasty when you make them right. Or you can eat an
entire pizza. Seriously, no one is going to stop you other than, well,
you.
3. Wear clothes that make you feel
Pick your clothes for how you feel in them, not how you want others
to feel about you in them. Let them express how you feel! Or let the
express the opposite of how you feel to challenge your own perspective!
Or just grab what’s on top if the pile if you feel that fashion isn’t
your thing. Dress yourself like yourself. Whatever that means. Even if
you feel best naked, you can do that (in certain circumstances, however,
you may want to consider the legality of this clothing option).
4. Use your face
If you’re happy, smile. If you’re not happy, you don’t have to smile.
Or you can, if you want to try to cheer up. But don’t feel obligated.
You have a unique face filled with so many muscles and possibilities for
expression- use them!
5. Connect and Disconnect
Say hi to a random stranger, or walk with headphones in. Spend all
day in nature or spend all day on Facebook/(insert hip and trendy social
network here). Do both! Change it up! Try one and see if you like it –
and if you don’t, then you never have to do it again! They are all
valuable and they are all valid. Connect to whomever you want to because
you feel the impulse, not just because I told you to.
6. Be absolutely totally obsessed with something
Then change your obsession tomorrow. Feel what it’s like to commit
all your energy to something – or try being obsessed with a few things –
or even try being obsessed with finding out as many unrelated things as
possible! Spread your energy as widely or as narrowly as you please, as
long as you control where you put your focus.
7. Be a sponge
Try to learn something new every day, even if it’s only the
repetition of something you already know. Learn something about
yourself. Learn something about empowering yourself. Learn something
about making decisions. Learn how to breathe a little deeper. Or even a
little more shallow. Then assess the change.
You can also dress up as Spongebob Squarepants. That will fulfill this step.
8. Vocalize
Use your voice (verbally or non-verbally) to express yourself. You
don’t have to be loud, you don’t have to be quiet. You just have to be
you; use your body and your voice to share yourself with the world to
whatever degree you feel like it. This is especially helpful to those
who don’t read minds.
9. Make choices
Don’t let things happen for the sake of not making a choice. You can
choose to go with the flow. You can choose to plan things. What’s
important is that you make a conscious choice of how you want to spend
your life. It’s yours. Though the choices are limited by external
factors, and sometimes there are no truly desirable options, you will
always have a choice. So let yourself make them.
10. Live
Check your pulse. Still going? Good. You’ve got this in the bag.
Know your objective. Ross Kimbarovsky, the co-founder of crowdSPRING, a Chicago-based digital agency that provides a virtual marketplace for freelance design and branding creatives, suggests that you take the time
you need to be very sure of the bottom line objectives you need in
order for a deal to go through. Have in mind a Plan B that would be your
next best alternative if Plan A were not to go through. Without this
preparatory thinking you may spend weeks in fruitless negotiation or
could end up finding yourself tied to an unfavorable deal. For example,
in negotiating the initial hosting agreement for crowdSPRING, he knew
immediately when his discussions with Vendor A were unfruitful and
within minutes was on the phone with Vendor B, who he had scoped in
advance and who was able to make the concessions he needed.
Prepare. When it comes to an important sale or a job you
really want to win (or to hire for), learn all you can about the other
participant(s) in advance. You’ll gain helpful information about what
matters most to the other person (and to their company). Think about the
long term ramifications of an agreement as well (particularly important
in investment decisions—there is far more to consider than the black
and white ROI).
Learn to really listen. How many times in a dialogue
do you and the other person in the conversation come away with
diametrically opposite recollections of what was actually said? Far too
often. We focus too heavily on our strategy, our needs, our fears and
the next thing we intend to express to be genuinely hearing what the
other person says with their words, and even more importantly what they
express nonverbally. Be patient, and do your utmost to let the other
party speak freely and to not interrupt.
Learn the 7 magic words. “What I might be willing to
consider is…” This is my very favorite bit of wisdom from Kaye. In
actuality, you have agreed to nothing. In fact you and the listener may
be at opposite poles when you make this statement, but by uttering these
words you’ve elevated the conversation to a space that allows for a
meaningful dialogue to occur and you’ve laid the foundation for give and
take. Emotionally, these words move you closer to the same side of the
table where together you can identify if there is a partnership or a
deal to be had.
Never make the first offer. Another variation of this rule
that you may hear is “He (or she) who speaks first, loses.” Kaye teaches
more on this principle in materials from his website (some paid, some
free) at www.richardkaye.com.
But in short, it’s important to recognize that stating the first offer
puts you at an immediate disadvantage. Your first offer (or price) may
be so far out of the realm of the listener you may actually insult them.
Allow the other party to speak first and you will learn invaluable
information about their starting point and their frame of reference that
will allow you to frame the conversation from there.
Never be intimidated. Kimbarovsky raises this point, which I
love. A larger organization assumes a smaller team can be intimidated.
They will tell you they have form agreements their legal teams will not
allow them to alter. In many if not most of these cases, this is not
true. In my own earlier days I was far too willing to agree to prices
and terms (out of fear of meeting my own team’s payroll) that weren’t
advantageous to our company. Likewise, I allowed pushy employees to go
too far with unreasonable demands. These days I do neither. It’s not a
question of being a bully, but remembering your own bottom line and
being able to utter the words without fear or hesitation, “That won’t
work for me,” and then articulate why, and what you’d need to proceed.
Perhaps there is a workable alternative. With one major client, their
ability to pay electronically on the 30th day of the month,
no fail, made their other terms more workable and we stayed. Conversely,
another organization we know was bullied into carrying more than $1
million in in vendor charges for one of their largest clients, a major
national bank. It was a rich contract, but ultimately, the one-sided
arrangement contributed to causing their business to fail. No matter who
the participant is, if your terms aren’t possible, walk away.
Pay attention to perception. Get to know the people you’re
negotiating with well enough that you are able to read their emotional
reactions (which will also be helpful in managing and controlling the
reactions of your own). Chances are, you have become skilled in reading
the reactions of your own team members, Kimbarovsky and Kaye have both
noted, but you will need to be equally attentive to the reactions and
perceptions of the other parties you don’t yet know well.
Be authentic. Kimbarovsky notes that some people walk into a
discussion with a set of “fake” needs they’ve trumped up that they can
pretend to bargain away over the course of discussion, making it appear
they’ve made major concessions when in fact they’ve conceded nothing at
all. While this tactic can sometimes succeed, be very wary of
disingenuous acts. Far better is a collaborative discussion that seeks
to understand the interests and needs of both sides with accuracy.
Create multiple potential solutions. A mistake many
negotiators make is limiting the potential outcomes to too few
alternatives (although the opposite problem would be presenting so many
possible alternatives that it bogs down the recipient with too many
choices to make). But for the most part, negotiators tend to limit the
options they provide too early, which closes off the opportunity for
meaningful brainstorming and positive outcomes to occur.
Confirm the points of agreement and disagreement clearly.
After each discussion, send a follow up message that articulates the
positions of each party clearly. It can lead to a faster conclusion and
can save valuable time that would otherwise be spent re-hashing the
positions that you have already cleared. It helps the other party know
that you are listening carefully and understanding them fully. It will
also help you to prepare more beneficially for the next meeting or
conversation you’ll have.
Einstein is quoted as having said that if he had one hour to save the world he would spend fifty-five minutes defining the problem and only five minutes finding the solution.
This
quote does illustrate an important point: before jumping right into
solving a problem, we should step back and invest time and effort to
improve our understanding of it. Here are 10 strategies you can use to
see problems from many different perspectives and master what is the
most important step in problem solving: clearly defining the problem in the first place!
The Problem Is To Know What the Problem Is
The definition of the problem will be the focal point of all your problem-solving efforts.
As such, it makes sense to devote as much attention and dedication to
problem definition as possible. What usually happens is that as soon as
we have a problem to work on we’re so eager to get to solutions that we
neglect spending any time refining it.
What most of us don’t realize — and what supposedly Einstein might have been alluding to — is that the
quality of the solutions we come up with will be in direct proportion
to the quality of the description of the problem we’re trying to solve.
Not only will your solutions be more abundant and of higher quality,
but they’ll be achieved much, much more easily. Most importantly, you’ll
have the confidence to be tackling a worthwhile problem.
Problem Definition Tools and Strategies
The good news is that getting different perspectives and angles in order to clearly define a problem is a skill that can be learned and developed. As such, there are many strategies you can use to perfect it. Here are the 10 most effective ones I know.
1. Rephrase the Problem
When
a Toyota executive asked employees to brainstorm “ways to increase
their productivity”, all he got back were blank stares. When he
rephrased his request as “ways to make their jobs easier”, he could
barely keep up with the amount of suggestions.
Words carry strong
implicit meaning and, as such, play a major role in how we perceive a
problem. In the example above, ‘be productive’ might seem like a
sacrifice you’re doing for the company, while ‘make your job easier’ may
be more like something you’re doing for your own benefit, but from
which the company also benefits. In the end, the problem is still the
same, but the feelings — and the points of view — associated with each
of them are vastly different.
Play freely with the problem
statement, rewording it several times. For a methodic approach, take
single words and substitute variations. ‘Increase sales’? Try replacing
‘increase’ with ‘attract’, ‘develop’, ‘extend’, ‘repeat’ and see how
your perception of the problem changes. A rich vocabulary plays an
important role here, so you may want to use a thesaurus or develop your vocabulary.
2. Expose and Challenge Assumptions
Every
problem — no matter how apparently simple it may be — comes with a long
list of assumptions attached. Many of these assumptions may be
inaccurate and could make your problem statement inadequate or even
misguided.
The first step to get rid of bad assumptions is to make
them explicit. Write a list and expose as many assumptions as you can —
especially those that may seem the most obvious and ‘untouchable’.
That,
in itself, brings more clarity to the problem at hand. But go further
and test each assumption for validity: think in ways that they might not
be valid and their consequences. What you will find may surprise you:
that many of those bad assumptions are self-imposed — with just a bit of
scrutiny you are able to safely drop them.
For example, suppose
you’re about to enter the restaurant business. One of your assumptions
might be ‘restaurants have a menu’. While such an assumption may seem
true at first, try challenging it and maybe you’ll find some very
interesting business models (such as one restaurant in which customers
bring dish ideas for the chef to cook, for example).
3. Chunk Up
Each
problem is a small piece of a greater problem. In the same way that you
can explore a problem laterally — such as by playing with words or
challenging assumptions — you can also explore it at different
“altitudes”.
If you feel you’re overwhelmed with details or
looking at a problem too narrowly, look at it from a more general
perspective. In order to make your problem more general, ask questions
such as: “What’s this a part of?”, “What’s this an example of?” or “What’s the intention behind this?”.
For a detailed explanation of how this principle works, check the article Boost Your Brainstorm Effectiveness with the Why Habit.
Another approach that helps a lot in getting a more general view of a problem is replacing words in the problem statement with hypernyms.
Hypernyms are words that have a broader meaning than the given word.
(For example, a hypernym of ‘car’ is ‘vehicle’). A great, free tool for
finding hypernyms for a given word is WordNet (just search for a word and click on the ‘S:’ label before the word definitions).
4. Chunk Down
If
each problem is part of a greater problem, it also means that each
problem is composed of many smaller problems. It turns out that
decomposing a problem in many smaller problems — each of them more
specific than the original — can also provide greater insights about it.
‘Chunking the problem down’ (making it more specific) is especially useful if you find the problem overwhelming or daunting.
Some of the typical questions you can ask to make a problem more specific are: “What are parts of this?” or “What are examples of this?”.
Just as in ‘chunking up’, word substitution can also come to great use here. The class of words that are useful here are hyponyms: words that are stricter in meaning than the given one. (E.g. two hyponyms of ‘car’ are ‘minivan’ and ‘limousine’). WordNet can also help you finding hyponyms.
5. Find Multiple Perspectives
Before
rushing to solve a problem, always make sure you look at it from
different perspectives. Looking at it with different eyes is a great way
to have instant insight on new, overlooked directions.
For
example, if you own a business and are trying to ‘increase sales’, try
to view this problem from the point of view of, say, a customer. For
example, from the customer’s viewpoint, this may be a matter of adding
features to your product that one would be willing to pay more for.
Rewrite
your problem statement many times, each time using one of these
different perspectives. How would your competition see this problem?
Your employees? Your mom?
Also, imagine how people in various
roles would frame the problem. How would a politician see it? A college
professor? A nun? Try to find the differences and similarities on how
the different roles would deal with your problem.
6. Use Effective Language Constructs
There
isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for properly crafting the perfect
problem statement, but there are some language constructs that always
help making it more effective:
Assume a myriad of solutions. An excellent way to start a problem statement is: “In what ways might I…”.
This expression is much superior to “How can I…” as it hints that
there’s a multitude of solutions, and not just one — or maybe none. As
simple as this sounds, the feeling of expectancy helps your brain find
solutions.
Make it positive. Negative sentences
require a lot more cognitive power to process and may slow you down —
or even derail your train of thought. Positive statements also help you
find the real goal behind the problem and, as such, are much more
motivating. For example: instead of finding ways to ‘quit smoking’,
you may find that ‘increase your energy’, ‘live longer’ and others are
much more worthwhile goals.
Frame your problem in the form of a question.
Our brain loves questions. If the question is powerful and engaging,
our brains will do everything within their reach to answer it. We just
can’t help it: Our brains will start working on the problem immediately
and keep working in the background, even when we’re not aware of it.
If you’re still stuck, consider using the following formula for phrasing your problem statement: “In what ways (action) (object) (qualifier) (end result)?” Example: In what ways might I package (action) my book (object) more attractively (qualifier) so people will buy more of it (end result)?
7. Make It Engaging
In
addition to using effective language constructs, it’s important to come
up with a problem statement that truly excites you so you’re in the
best frame of mind for creatively tackling the problem. If the problem
looks too dull for you, invest the time adding vigor to it while still keeping it genuine. Make it enticing. Your brain will thank (and reward) you later.
One
thing is to ‘increase sales’ (boring), another one is ‘wow your
customers’. One thing is ‘to create a personal development blog’,
another completely different is to ‘empower readers to live fully’.
8. Reverse the Problem
One trick that usually helps when you’re stuck with a problem is turning it on its head.
If
you want to win, find out what would make you lose. If you are
struggling finding ways to ‘increase sales’, find ways to decrease them
instead. Then, all you need to do is reverse your answers. ‘Make more
sales calls’ may seem an evident way of increasing sales, but sometimes
we only see these ‘obvious’ answers when we look at the problem from an
opposite direction.
This seemingly convoluted method may not seem
intuitive at first, but turning a problem on its head can uncover rather
obvious solutions to the original problem.
9. Gather Facts
Investigate
causes and circumstances of the problem. Probe details about it — such
as its origins and causes. Especially if you have a problem that’s too
vague, investigating facts is usually more productive than trying to
solve it right away.
If, for example, the problem stated by your
spouse is “You never listen to me”, the solution is not obvious.
However, if the statement is “You don’t make enough eye contact when I’m
talking to you,” then the solution is obvious and you can skip
brainstorming altogether. (You’ll still need to work on the
implementation, though!)
Ask yourself questions about the problem.
What is not known about it? Can you draw a diagram of the problem? What
are the problem boundaries? Be curious. Ask questions and gather facts.
It is said that a well-defined problem is halfway to being solved: I
would add that a perfectly-defined problem is not a problem anymore.
10. Problem-Solve Your Problem Statement
I
know I risk getting into an infinite loop here, but as you may have
noticed, getting the right perspective of a problem is, well, a problem
in itself. As such, feel free to use any creative thinking technique you
know to help. There are plenty to choose from:
You may want to give yourself an Idea Quota of problem statements. Or write a List of 100 problems to solve. SCAMPER your problem definition. These are just some of dozen techniques you can try.
Of course, how much effort you invest in defining the problem in contrast to how much effort you invest in solving your actual problem is a hard balance to achieve, though one which is attainable with practice.
Personally,
I don’t think that 55 minutes of defining a problem versus 5 minutes
acting on it is usually a good proportion. The point is that we must be
aware of how important problem defining is and correct our tendency to
spend too little time on it.
In fact, when you start paying more
attention to how you define your problems, you’ll probably find that it
is usually much harder than solving them. But you’ll also find that the payoff is well worth the effort.
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” ―Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every day Angel and I work with coaching clients who say all the right things and then do the exact opposite. They hope to experience growth, but they resist change. They want less stress, yet they indulge in drama. They long for better relationships, and then they refuse to trust anyone.
In other words, what they say they want and what they do with their time are hopelessly disconnected. And the two will never meet without intervention.
It’s important to note, though, that I get it. I understand where they’re coming from. I used to make the same mistakes. Change is hard to deal with. Needless drama can be addictive. Relationships take a lot of work. I’m sure you can relate.
In a nutshell, when it comes to working hard to achieve a substantial life goal of any kind – earning a degree, building a business, fostering a relationship, raising a family, becoming more mindful, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is:
“Am I willing to spend a little time every day like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?”
Think about it. We ultimately become what we repeatedly do. The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing – growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
And isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different? That’s the power of daily rituals.
Here are twelve daily rituals for long-term happiness and success:
1. Exercise your integrity.
Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you are
capable of. Communicating clearly and asking for what you want and
need from people. Speaking your truth, even when others judge you for
it. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your morals and values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.
And, of course, always doing the right thing, even when it’s hard, and
even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.
2. Steer clear of drama and those who create it.
There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the
needless drama and the people who create it. Staying out of other
people’s drama is an incredibly effective way to stress less and smile
more.
A good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it to their face, you
shouldn’t say it behind their back. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small
minds discuss people.” Life is much too short to waste time talking
about people, gossiping, and stirring up drama that has no substance.
If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t agree, say so. If you don’t like
it, speak up. But never judge people behind their back. (Read The Four Agreements.)
3. Replace judgment with encouragement.
No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until
they are actually in it. Yes, it’s very easy to judge someone else’s
actions by what you assume your own actions would be if you were in
their shoes. But you only know what you THINK you would do, not what
you WOULD do.
The truth is, we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves
by our ideals. So do your best to catch yourself when this happens.
Remember that when we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing
about that person, and everything about our own need to be critical.
Bottom line: We have enough critics in this world. Be an encourager. You’ll see why.
4. Be positive and spend time with positive people.
Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal
with them. Raise your awareness to your own inner strength and
positivity. You are in charge of how you react to the people and events
in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life, or
you can choose to be positive instead by focusing on the great things
that are truly important. So talk about your blessings more than you
talk about your problems. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean
you’re failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy
struggle to get there.
In addition, do your best to spend more time with positive people and
less time with negative ones. People that deliberately doubt, judge
and disrespect you are not worth your long-term time and attention.
5. Make new choices as needed, rather than letting old ones make you.
You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do
have some say in who and what hurts you. After all, who we ultimately
become depends, in part, on who and what we let into our lives. So
don’t just settle for relationships and situations that have proven to
be unworthy. Exercise your right to choose differently.
Be the hero of your life, not the victim. You may not control all
the circumstances that happen to you, but you can decide not to be
continuously reduced by the same ones.
6. Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can.
As E.F. Schumacher once said, “Any intelligent fool can make things
bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a
lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”
Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s
poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use
your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting
difference in your life. Less really is more. Instead of adding,
improve your life by subtracting. Get rid of unnecessary clutter,
negative influences and toxic relationships. There is a big difference
between what you want and what you need – between what’s excessive and
what’s essential.
7. Uphold your truth.
Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no
mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted
by a lie. Especially if this lie is tied to your identity in any way.
Because you can pretend for a while, but you can’t get away from
yourself. You can’t decide not to see and feel yourself anymore. You
can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head and be someone else
entirely.
Don’t try to be what “they” like – be who you are. The people worth
spending time with are interested in others who are confident enough to
be themselves. And that works out well, because you won’t be happy
being anyone else. (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
8. Express your love without reservations.
Love is a verb. Act on it. Today, be the reason someone feels
incredibly loved and needed. Give your love away like your life depends
on it.
Many moons from now, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, the
car you drove, and maybe not even your name. But they will remember
how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them. The
true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you
give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less,
supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are
different than you. All of which represent the full expression of your
love.
9. Nurture your relationship with your significant other.
Intimate love is not just about finding the right person, but working
with them to create the right relationship. It’s not about how much
love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build and nurture
until the end. A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind,
upbeat and positive. It should make your smile a little wider and your
life a little brighter in the long run.
A relationship like this sounds great, but it isn’t easy. It takes
time and attention, and two people who are willing to work together
every day to build something special.
10. Loosen your grip on what’s not meant to fit in to your life.
Things will happen that you will not always understand, but maybe
you’re not supposed to understand everything. Maybe you’re just
supposed to have faith, accept it and let it happen.
So never force anything. Give it your best shot, and then let it be.
Most negative circumstances are only a part of your life because you
keep thinking about them. Positive things happen in your life when you
emotionally distance yourself from the negative things. So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right. Don’t let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.
11. Embrace your humanness.
“Human” is the only real label we are born with. Yet we forget so easily.
To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced,
diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know
it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water. For we are
far more than the shape we’re currently in. And we, like the wind,
water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever
remaining beautifully human.
12. Ask yourself the right questions.
Voltaire once said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his
answers.” This is such sound advice, because if you keep asking
yourself the wrong questions, you will never get an answer you like.
What questions are you asking yourself? Are they helping you better
understand your purpose? Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?
Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as
guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your
life. And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come
directly from YOU. So instead of looking outside yourself for answers,
start asking yourself the right questions. For instance…
“Who am I?”
“What do I need?”
“How do I function best?”
“What do I have to give?”
“What’s the next step I can take right now?”
It’s all about self-inquiries that help you stay true to your
principles, pursue your desires, grow through adversity, and add value
to the world around you.
The science is clear: People make decisions on the basis of first impressions. As speakers, we need to take advantage of that.
Some years ago, Nalini Ambady, an experimental psychologist at Harvard University, was curious about the nonverbal aspects
of good teaching. She wanted to get at least a minute of film on each
teacher to be rated, play the tapes without sound for outside observers,
and then have those observers rate the effectiveness of the teachers by
their expressions and physical cues.
She could only get 10 seconds worth of tape and thought she would
have to abandon the project. But her adviser encouraged her to try
anyway, and with 10 seconds of tape, the observers rated the teachers on
a 15-item checklist of personality traits.
In fact, when Ambady cut the clips back to five seconds and showed
them to other raters, the ratings were the same. They were even the same
when she showed still other raters just two seconds of videotape. It
seemed that anything beyond that first impression was superfluous.
Ambady's next step led to an even more remarkable conclusion. She
compared those snap judgments about teacher effectiveness with
evaluations made after a full semester of classes, by students of the
same teachers. The correlation between the two, she found, was
astoundingly high. A person watching a two-second silent video clip of a
teacher he has never met will reach conclusions about how good that
teacher is that are very similar to those of a student who sits in the
teacher's class for an entire semester.
Tricia Prickett, an undergraduate at the University of Toledo,
conducted a similar experiment. She collected videotapes of 20-minute
job interviews in order to test the adage that "the handshake is
everything." She took 15 seconds of videotape showing the applicant as
he or she knocks on the door, comes in, shakes the hand of the
interviewer, sits down, and is welcomed by the interviewer.
Like Ambady, she then got a series of strangers to rate the
applicants on the basis of the handshake clip, using the same criteria
that the interviewers had used for the original 20-minute interviews.
Once more, against all expectations, the ratings were very similar to
those of the interviewers. On nine out of the 11 traits on which the
applicants were being judged, the 15-second observers predicted the
outcome of the 20-minute interview.
The question is: Are first impressions good predictors because they
are accurate, or are they simply more influential than subsequent (and
contradictory) impressions? Do we see deeply quickly, or are we leaping
to conclusions about people and ignoring evidence that contradicts our
mental shorthand?
It turns out that our first impressions are not altogether accurate. Scientists call our tendency to leap to judgment the Fundamental Attribution Error.
It's an error because how a person behaves in one situation is not an
accurate predictor of her behavior in a different situation. We vastly
underestimate the role of context in controlling human behavior and
instead base our judgments on extremely limited information.
Nevertheless, as speakers, we can take advantage of this human
frailty. When we step to the front of the room to deliver a presentation
and all eyes are on us, we can take control using the tools at our
disposal: physical, vocal, and verbal skills meant to capture the mind
of the listener.
There are infinite ways to do this. Here are just a few:
Walk to the front of the room, your body filled with purpose.
Arrange your materials with concentrated and silent grace.
Take up your position, stand still with your weight on both feet, and gaze intently at the audience.
Let the silence become the blank canvas on which you will paint your masterpiece.
Pick a listener in the back of the room, look that individual in the
eye, and deliver your opening line with confidence to that individual.
There are many types of opening lines, too.
A simple statement of your main theme or premise
For instance, Seth Godin gave a speech saying that marketing
technical products was too important to leave to marketers. He began his
speech by saying, "Marketing technical products is too important to
leave to marketers." Pretty good summary headline, don't you think?
Asking for an audience response
"How many of you have ever wondered where your next meal is coming from?" And then wait for the hands to go up, or not.
A brief, gripping description of a problem faced by the audience
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem. Our sales data is locked up
in the laptops of our salespeople, and we can't get it out."
Painting a picture of the audience's world when the problem has gone away
"I wish you could have seen me. I had finished the presentation.
People were standing and applauding, and my boss came up and said that
was the best talk he'd ever seen. All my work had paid off. I was
literally a changed person--loose, relaxed, and bubbling with all the
attention."
Pointing out what you and your listeners have in common
"I am a professional speaker. I get paid for my performance. I
believe you get paid for the same thing, except your performance lasts a
year and mine only lasts an hour. Nevertheless, I stand on a stage, you
sit at a desk, but we both get paid to perform."
A startling statement
"Every hour in Gaza, a child is dying from artillery fire and missiles."
Telling a story
"About a mile into the woods, my childhood friends and I discovered a hill that was covered with tall, dead trees..."
A personal anecdote
"I called a friend of mine and his answering machine said, 'Sorry,
memory is full. Goodbye.' It made me think that many people are so
preoccupied these days that they have no time, no space, no ability to
listen."
Using a visual aid or prop
"This is a silicon wafer. It is made of one of the most common commodities in the world: sand!"
Using a famous quotation
"Acquisition of skills requires a regular environment, an adequate
opportunity to practice, and rapid and unequivocal feedback about the
correctness of thoughts and actions."
--Daniel Kahneman, Princeton psychology professor and Nobel laureate in economics
Starting with an intellectual puzzle
"We're always reading that there are literally millions of
undiscovered insects in the Amazon rainforest. I'm completely stumped by
the variety of creatures that show up on my front porch in suburban New
Jersey. Who are they? What are their names? And why on earth are they
knocking on my door?"
Using an analogy
"Public speaking is like splitting logs. You have to hit 'em where it
counts, be sharp about it, and take a balanced stand on the issues."
If our listeners insist on attributing to us those qualities they
glimpse in the first few seconds of our talks, despite subsequent
evidence to the contrary, let us employ all means at our disposal to
take advantage of their leap to judgment. Let us be masters of body
language and wizards of the opening salvo. For speakers, it seems, all's
well that begins well!
Developing
your mental toughness can help you be more emotionally resilient, push
you to go further and harder, and build armor to persevere against the
bullets that life fires your way. It's not as easy to just "be tougher,"
though. Here are some tactics to toughen up your mind for life's hard
knocks.
What is Mental Toughness?
"Mental
toughness" is keeping strong in the face of adversity. It's the ability
to keep your focus and determination despite the difficulties you
encounter. Events in our life rarely go the way we'd like them to, but
that doesn't mean you have to let it throw you off your game. Mental
toughness gives you the tenacity to learn from your mistakes without the
devastating blow failure can sometimes deal.
This resilience and fortitude also gives you the strength to keep
emotions in check when something in your life seems overwhelming and you
need to be strong. Essentially, mental toughness is the voice in the
back of your head that tells you to keep going, keep pushing, and keep
trying, even when the going gets tough. They say "life's tough, get a
helmet." These tactics can help you create the helmet you need.
Manage Your Expectations
The
best offense is a good defense. One of the biggest ways you can build
resilience to the things that come your way is to manage your
expectations. If you have poorly managed expectations, you'll run into
more surprises, which can make you feel out of control. Lack of control
can lower your morale and weaken your mental fortitude. Flexibility
and the ability to adapt to situations are key components to laying the
groundwork for strong mental resolve. Christine M. Riordan at Forbes
explains how a leader with flexibility can stay mentally strong, but the same can be said for anyone:
Game-ready
leaders have the ability to absorb the unexpected and remain supple and
non-defensive. They maintain humor even when the situation becomes
tough. If something isn't going well or doesn't turn out as expected,
they remain flexible in their approach and look for new ways to solve
the problem. Just like a quarterback faced with a broken play, a leader
may have to decide quickly on a different way to get the ball down the
field.
You should not only roll with the punches, but think about how you can take a swing. You cannot control everything that comes your way, but you are in absolute control of how you react to it.
Take a look at situations from the outside and try to see a different
perspective. It's hard to see the true causes of events when your
vision is clouded with immediate emotional responses. Wait five minutes to respond to something when you have the time. Or pretend like you're giving advice to yourself
when searching for a solution. We tend to immediately overreact to
something, even if we don't completely understand it yet. Comprehend
and understand the pieces first, then put things together and react.
Doing this over time will help you adjust your expectations to a realistic level.
You
can also keep realistic expectations by defining them. Surprises may
come more often than we like, but you can be better prepared for them by
articulating what you specifically think might happen. Getting your
hopes up or banking on mere possibilities in a situation puts holes in
your armor right from the get-go. When a problem arises, take some time
to ask yourself what outcomes you think are truly possible. Do this
even before you look for solutions, and write them down if you'd like.
If you can see the possible realities and accept them before you even
react to it, you'll be better prepared for whatever comes your way.
Eventually, you'll start to do this automatically and you'll be able to
approach situations calmly and with a clear head.
Prevent Emotions from Getting the Best of You
Being
in touch with your emotions is a good thing, but they can also cloud
your judgment in the moment. Mentally tough people know how to keep cool
in heated situations. Emotions can get the best of us when we're
between a rock and a hard place, but having some emotional resilience
can increase your ability to handle heavy situations.
One
way to build emotional resilience is by owning what's happening to you
instead of running away to seek comfort. The Navy SEALs have a saying: "Get comfortable being uncomfortable." You can't get stronger if you stay in your comfort zone at all times.
Learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations will force
you to learn from the situation instead of escape from it. Maria
Bogdanos at PsychCentral explains the positive things you can do when you put yourself in those uncomfortable situations:
Use
critical thinking, reasoning and problem-solving techniques on your own
so you will trust your instincts more. Resist the urge to blame others.
Also resist the urge to expect too much from them. We often give too
much credence to "experts" (they need help, too) when each of us knows
our own motivations better than anyone else. You are creative and
resourceful enough to find ways that work best for how you are wired, so
try to go at it alone...
No
one knows you more than you, but when you run from difficult
circumstances or uncomfortable situations, you don't even give yourself
the chance to prove that you can overcome. It's all about environment.
If you want to get better at dealing with heat, then you go to the
desert. If you want to get better at dealing with cold, then you go up
to the mountains. If you want to get better at dealing with stressful
situations, then you go to the stressful situations.
Sticking
through tough times can give you the confidence you need to keep your
composure when stuff hits the fan. It's okay to be in touch with
emotions, but having some control over them is beneficial. Instead of
emitting an emotional response that stems from your discomfort and fear
of the situation, you'll be capable of checking emotions at the door and
taking care of business in a calm and efficient way.
Find Your Source of Motivation
Even
if you maintain realistic expectations, and you're capable of keeping
emotions in check, you still need some motivation from inside of you to
keep on keepin' on. Whether you're tackling a problem, handling a
difficult life event, or looking for a way to push yourself harder
during your next workout, you need to stay motivated. So where do you
find motivation? The simple answer is that you have to ask yourself,
"why?"
Why do I need to solve this problem?
Why do I need to get through this?
Why do I need to get stronger, faster, healthier?
Asking
yourself these types of questions helps identify the true reason you
need or want to accomplish something. Answers like "because I have to"
don't help you. When something difficult comes your way in life, you
don't always have a choice on whether you want to get through it or not,
but there is always a better reason than "I have to."
Have a specific goal in mind, and look at the possible reactions to
your actions. Think of something or someone that depends on you, and
imagine you're a soldier with a sense of duty to yourself and others. Your reasons to act might be something like:
Because I want to be better at what I do.
Because this person needs me.
Because I want to live longer / look a certain way / feel a certain way.
When
you know why you need to get through something it makes it easier to
suck it up and carry on, but you also need the willpower to break
through the barriers you might come across. Building up willpower takes
time, but you can do so by developing simple, unrelated habits.
For example, if you're bad at flossing, push yourself to floss when
you shower. You'll forget some days, and other days you might lazily
avoid it, but if you keep at it, eventually you'll maintain your simple
habit without thinking about it.
Little
boosts in willpower increase your confidence, and when you accomplish
little things, you begin to see that you really do have control of
yourself. You might think of willpower as a finite resource, but you have as much willpower as you believe you have.
Challenge yourself and you'll find that motivation is easy to come by
when you actually believe you're capable of overcoming things.
Learn to Delay Gratification and Let Things Go
We've talked a lot about failure and how it can be beneficial for you,
but learning to take failure in stride is an important factor of being
mentally strong. Dr. Sean Richardson spoke about failure and its
relation to mental toughness in a November, 2011 TEDx talk. In the
talk, Richardson explains that the development of mental toughness can
stem from looking at failure as a delay of gratification:
...accepting failure, being okay with not getting what you want right now, is one of the best, best success strategies, but it takes mental toughness…
Being
capable of delaying your own gratification—or saying no to easy,
instant gratification—is really what being mentally tough is all about.
Great things are never easy to do, and if you can make yourself work
hard and wait patiently, you will understand what it means to have
mental toughness. You need to let go of mistakes quickly if things
don't go your way, and understand the time and patience it takes to
accomplish things. Mental toughness is as much about telling yourself
no, as it is about telling yourself that you can persevere.
Some
things aren't always worth your time, though. You are a capable
person, and you can get through whatever comes your way, but you can't
impact every single thing out there. You have to accept that you can only control so much. Jeff Haden at Inc. suggests putting aside things you can't control to save energy for the things you can:
Mental
strength is like muscle strength—no one has an unlimited supply. So why
waste your power on things you can't control? For some people, it's
politics. For others, it's family. For others, it's global warming.
Whatever it is, you care, and you want others to care. Fine. Do what you can do: Vote. Lend a listening ear. Recycle, and reduce your carbon footprint. Do what you can do. Be your own change—but don't try to make everyone else change.
Remember,
mental toughness is about building the strength and resilience to do
the things you need to do and the things you want to do. Don't make it
harder on yourself by trying to keep strong for something that doesn't
benefit you or your goal. Some things you just have to completely let
go.
Developing
mental toughness is a process and it's not something you can conjure
overnight. It takes a lot of patience and a conscious effort to become
more resilient. Some things are bigger than all of us, but mental
toughness can be your armor that glances the smaller blows away. If you
have reasonable expectations, control over your emotions, strong
motivation, and the patience to see things all the way through, you
won't ever sweat the small stuff and you'll be better equipped to handle
the big things in your life.
Feel
free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you're
thrilled with your life, and you're happy with your relationships. Enjoy
the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You're doing
a great job, we're all proud of you. So you don't feel like you wasted
your click, here's a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf.
For
the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive
things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to
the room. But here's the catch -- you're not allowed to list anything
you are (i.e., I'm a nice guy, I'm honest), but instead can only list
things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make
the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well,
this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only
defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995
or so.
Note: I originally posted this in December of 2012, and
to date it has drawn more than 12 million page views and been shared on
Facebook nearly half a million times. We decided to update it and post
it again, and by update I mean change the year to 2014. -DW
#6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You
Let's
say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is
lying in the street, bleeding and screaming. A guy rushes up and says,
"Step aside." He looks over your loved one's bullet wound and pulls out a
pocket knife -- he's going to operate right there in the street.
You ask, "Are you a doctor?"
The guy says, "No."
You say, "But you know what you're doing, right? You're an old Army medic, or ..."
At
this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy,
he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son
to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he
boasts that he never uses foul language.
Confused, you say, "How
does any of that fucking matter when my [wife/husband/best
friend/parent] is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to
operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?"
Now the man
becomes agitated -- why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you not
care about any of his other good qualities? Didn't you just hear him say
that he always remembers his girlfriend's birthday? In light of all of
the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to
perform surgery?
In that panicked moment, you will take your
bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, "Yes, I'm saying
that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific
situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy
fucking asshole."
So
here is my terrible truth about the adult world: You are in that very
situation every single day. Only you are the confused guy with the
pocket knife. All of society is the bleeding gunshot victim.
If
you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get
no respect, it's because society is full of people who need things. They
need houses built, they need food to eat, they need entertainment, they
need fulfilling sexual relationships. You arrived at the scene of that
emergency, holding your pocket knife, by virtue of your birth -- the
moment you came into the world, you became part of a system designed
purely to see to people's needs.
Either
you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a
unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind,
giving, and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be alone, you
will be left out in the cold.
Does that seem mean, or crass, or
materialistic? What about love and kindness -- don't those things
matter? Of course. As long as they result in you doing things for people
that they can't get elsewhere. For you see ...
#5. The Hippies Were Wrong
There is a great scene in the history of movies - it's the famous speech Alec
Baldwin gives in the cinematic masterpiece Glengarry Glenn Ross.
Baldwin's character -- whom you assume is the villain -- addresses a
room full of dudes and tears them a new asshole, telling them that
they're all about to be fired unless they "close" the sales they've been
assigned:
"Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. If you want to work here, close."
It's
brutal, rude, and borderline sociopathic, and also it is an honest and
accurate expression of what the world is going to expect from you. The
difference is that, in the real world, people consider it so wrong to
talk to you that way that they've decided it's better to simply let you
keep failing.
That
scene changed my life. I'd program my alarm clock to play it for me
every morning if I knew how. Alec Baldwin was nominated for an Oscar for
that movie and that's the only scene he's in. As smarter people have pointed out,
the genius of that speech is that half of the people who watch it think
that the point of the scene is "Wow, what must it be like to have such
an asshole boss?" and the other half think, "Fuck yes, let's go out and
sell some goddamned real estate!"
"If
you were in that room, some of you would understand this as a work, but
feed off the energy of the message anyway, welcome the coach's cursing
at you, 'this guy is awesome!'; while some of you would take it
personally, this guy is a jerk, you have no right to talk to me like
that, or -- the standard maneuver when narcissism is confronted with a
greater power -- quietly seethe and fantasize about finding information
that will out him as a hypocrite. So satisfying."
That
excerpt is from an insightful critique of "hipsters" and why they seem
to have so much trouble getting jobs (that doesn't begin to do it
justice, go read the whole thing),
and the point is that the difference in those two attitudes -- bitter
vs. motivated -- largely determines whether or not you'll succeed in the
world. For instance, some people want to respond to that speech with
Tyler Durden's line from Fight Club: "You are not your job."
But,
well, actually, you totally are. Granted, your "job" and your means of
employment might not be the same thing, but in both cases you are
nothing more than the sum total of your useful skills. For instance,
being a good mother is a job that requires a skill. It's something a
person can do that is useful to other members of society. But make no
mistake: Your "job" -- the useful thing you do for other people -- is
all you are.
There is a reason why surgeons get more respect
than comedy writers. There is a reason mechanics get more respect than
unemployed hipsters. There is a reason your job will become your label
if your death makes the news ("NFL Linebacker Dies in Murder/Suicide").
Tyler said, "You are not your job," but he also founded and ran a
successful soap company and became the head of an international social
and political movement. He was totally his job.
Or
think of it this way: Remember when Chick-fil-A came out against gay
marriage? And how despite the protests, the company continues to sell
millions of sandwiches every day? It's not because the country agrees
with them; it's because they do their job of making delicious sandwiches
well. And that's all that matters.
You don't have to like it. I
don't like it when it rains on my birthday. It rains anyway. Clouds
form and precipitation happens. People have needs and thus assign value
to the people who meet them. These are simple mechanisms of the universe
and they do not respond to our wishes.
If
you protest that you're not a shallow capitalist materialist and that
you disagree that money is everything, I can only say: Who said anything
about money? You're missing the larger point.
#4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People
Let's
try a non-money example so you don't get hung up on that. The
demographic that Cracked writes for is heavy on 20-something males. So
on our message boards and in my many inboxes I read several dozen
stories a year from miserable, lonely guys who insist that women won't
come near them despite the fact that they are just the nicest guys in
the world. I can explain what is wrong with this mindset, but it would
probably be better if I let Alec Baldwin explain it:
In this
case, Baldwin is playing the part of the attractive women in your life.
They won't put it as bluntly as he does -- society has trained us not to
be this honest with people -- but the equation is the same. "Nice guy?
Who gives a shit? If you want to work here, close."
So, what do
you bring to the table? Because the Zooey Deschanel lookalike in the
bookstore that you've been daydreaming about moisturizes her face for an
hour every night and feels guilty when she eats anything other than
salad for lunch. She's going to be a surgeon in 10 years. What do you
do?
"What, so you're saying that I can't get girls like that unless I have a nice job and make lots of money?"
No,
your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off
everyone who rejects you by thinking that they're just being shallow and
selfish. I'm asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny?
Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to
demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don't say that you're a nice
guy -- that's the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to
them 36 times a day. The patient is bleeding in the street. Do you know
how to operate or not?
"Well, I'm not sexist or racist or greedy or shallow or abusive! Not like those other douchebags!"
I'm
sorry, I know that this is hard to hear, but if all you can do is list a
bunch of faults you don't have, then back the fuck away from the
patient. There's a witty, handsome guy with a promising career ready to
step in and operate.
Does
that break your heart? OK, so now what? Are you going to mope about it,
or are you going to learn how to do surgery? It's up to you, but don't
complain about how girls fall for jerks; they fall for those jerks
because those jerks have other things they can offer. "But I'm a great
listener!" Are you? Because you're willing to sit quietly in exchange
for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every
second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well guess what, there's
another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play
the guitar. Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose
only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick. You're like a
new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is
"The actors are clearly visible."
I think this is why you can be a "nice guy" and still feel terrible about yourself. Specifically ...
#3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don't Do Anything
"So, what, you're saying that I should pick up a book on how to get girls?"
Only if step one in the book is "Start making yourself into the type of person girls want to be around."
Because
that's the step that gets skipped -- it's always "How can I get a job?"
and not "How can I become the type of person employers want?" It's "How
can I get pretty girls to like me?" instead of "How can I become the
type of person that pretty girls like?" See, because that second one
could very well require giving up many of your favorite hobbies and
paying more attention to your appearance, and God knows what else. You
might even have to change your personality.
"But why can't I
find someone who just likes me for me?" you ask. The answer is because
humans need things. The victim is bleeding, and all you can do is look
down and complain that there aren't more gunshot wounds that just fix
themselves?
Here's another video (NSFW):
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/mSnRq6iyHKg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Everyone who
watched that video instantly became a little happier, although not all
for the same reasons. Can you do that for people? Why not? What's
stopping you from strapping on your proverbial thong and cape and taking
to your proverbial stage and flapping your proverbial penis at people?
That guy knows the secret to winning at human life: that doing ...
whatever you call that ... was better than not doing it.
"But
I'm not good at anything!" Well, I have good news -- throw enough hours
of repetition at it and you can get sort of good at anything. I was the
world's shittiest writer when I was an infant. I was only slightly
better at 25. But while I was failing miserably at my career, I wrote in
my spare time for eight straight years, an article a week, before I
ever made real money off it. It took 13 years for me to get good enough to make the New York Times best-seller list. It took me probably 20,000 hours of practice to sand the edges off my sucking.
Don't
like the prospect of pouring all of that time into a skill? Well, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is that the sheer act of
practicing will help you come out of your shell -- I got through years
of tedious office work because I knew that I was learning a unique skill
on the side. People quit because it takes too long to see results,
because they can't figure out that the process is the result.
The bad news is that you have no other choice. If you want to work here, close.
Because
in my non-expert opinion, you don't hate yourself because you have low
self-esteem, or because other people were mean to you. You hate yourself
because you don't do anything. Not even you can just "love you for you"
-- that's why you're miserable and sending me private messages asking
me what I think you should do with your life.
Do
the math: How much of your time is spent consuming things other people
made (TV, music, video games, websites) versus making your own? Only one
of those adds to your value as a human being.
And if you hate
hearing this and are responding with something you heard as a kid that
sounds like "It's what's on the inside that matters!" then I can only
say ...
#2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do
Being
in the business I'm in, I know dozens of aspiring writers. They think
of themselves as writers, they introduce themselves as writers at
parties, they know that deep inside, they have the heart of a writer.
The only thing they're missing is that minor final step, where they
actually fucking write things.
But really, does that matter? Is "writing things" all that important when deciding who is and who is not truly a "writer"?
For the love of God, yes.
See,
there's a common defense to everything I've said so far, and to every
critical voice in your life. It's the thing your ego is saying to you in
order to prevent you from having to do the hard work of improving: "I
know I'm a good person on the inside." It may also be phrased as "I know
who I am" or "I just have to be me."
Don't get me wrong; who
you are inside is everything -- the guy who built a house for his family
from scratch did it because of who he was inside. Every bad thing
you've ever done has started with a bad impulse, some thought
ricocheting around inside your skull until you had to act on it. And
every good thing you've done is the same -- "who you are inside" is the
metaphorical dirt from which your fruit grows.
But here's what everyone needs to know, and what many of you can't accept:
"You" are nothing but the fruit.
Nobody cares about your dirt. "Who you are inside" is meaningless aside from what it produces for other people.
Inside,
you have great compassion for poor people. Great. Does that result in
you doing anything about it? Do you hear about some terrible tragedy in
your community and say, "Oh, those poor children. Let them know that
they are in my thoughts"? Because fuck you if so -- find out what they
need and help provide it. A hundred million people watched that Kony
video, virtually all of whom kept those poor African children "in their
thoughts." What did the collective power of those good thoughts provide?
Jack fucking shit. Children die every day because millions of us tell
ourselves that caring is just as good as doing. It's an internal
mechanism controlled by the lazy part of your brain to keep you from
actually doing work.
How
many of you are walking around right now saying, "She/he would love me
if she/he only knew what an interesting person I am!" Really? How do all
of your interesting thoughts and ideas manifest themselves in the
world? What do they cause you to do? If your dream girl or guy had a
hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be
impressed with what they saw? Remember, they can't read your mind --
they can only observe. Would they want to be a part of that life?
Because
all I'm asking you to do is apply the same standard to yourself that
you apply to everyone else. Don't you have that annoying Christian
friend whose only offer to help anyone ever is to "pray for them"?
Doesn't it drive you nuts? I'm not even commenting on whether or not
prayer works; it doesn't change the fact that they chose the one type of
help that doesn't require them to get off the sofa. They abstain from
every vice, they think clean thoughts, their internal dirt is as pure as
can be, but what fruit grows from it? And they should know this better
than anybody -- I stole the fruit metaphor from the Bible. Jesus said
something to the effect of "a tree is judged by its fruit" over and over and over. Granted, Jesus never said, "If you want to work here, close." No, he said, "Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire."
The
people didn't react well to being told that, just as the salesmen
didn't react well to Alec Baldwin telling them that they needed to grow
some balls or resign themselves to shining his shoes. Which brings us to
the final point ...
#1. Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement
The
human mind is a miracle, and you will never see it spring more
beautifully into action than when it is fighting against evidence that
it needs to change. Your psyche is equipped with layer after layer of
defense mechanisms designed to shoot down anything that might keep
things from staying exactly where they are -- ask any addict.
So
even now, some of you reading this are feeling your brain bombard you
with knee-jerk reasons to reject it. From experience, I can say that
these seem to come in the form of ...
*Intentionally Interpreting Any Criticism as an Insult
"Who
is he to call me lazy and worthless! A good person would never talk to
me like this! He wrote this whole thing just to feel superior to me and
to make me feel bad about my life! I'm going to think up my own insult
to even the score!"
*Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message
"Who
is THIS guy to tell ME how to live? Oh, like he's so high and mighty!
It's just some dumb writer on the Internet! I'm going to go dig up
something on him that reassures me that he's stupid, and that everything
he's saying is stupid! This guy is so pretentious, it makes me puke! I watched his old rap video on YouTube and thought his rhymes sucked!"
*Focusing on the Tone to Avoid Hearing the Content
"I'm
going to dig through here until I find a joke that is offensive when
taken out of context, and then talk and think only about that! I've
heard that a single offensive word can render an entire book invisible!"
*Revising Your Own History
"Things aren't so bad! I
know that I was threatening suicide last month, but I'm feeling better
now! It's entirely possible that if I just keep doing exactly what I'm
doing, eventually things will work out! I'll get my big break, and if I
keep doing favors for that pretty girl, eventually she'll come around!"
*Pretending That Any Self-Improvement Would Somehow Be Selling Out Your True Self
"Oh,
so I guess I'm supposed to get rid of all of my manga and instead go to
the gym for six hours a day and get a spray tan like those Jersey Shore
douchebags? Because THAT IS THE ONLY OTHER OPTION."
And so on. Remember, misery is comfortable. It's why so many people prefer it. Happiness takes effort.
Also,
courage. It's incredibly comforting to know that as long as you don't
create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you
created.
It's so much easier to just sit back and criticize
other people's creations. This movie is stupid. That couple's kids are
brats. That other couple's relationship is a mess. That rich guy is
shallow. This restaurant sucks. This Internet writer is an asshole. I'd
better leave a mean comment demanding that the website fire him. See, I
created something.
Oh, wait, did I forget to mention that part?
Yeah, whatever you try to build or create -- be it a poem, or a new
skill, or a new relationship -- you will find yourself immediately
surrounded by non-creators who trash it. Maybe not to your face, but
they'll do it. Your drunk friends do not want you to get sober. Your fat
friends do not want you to start a fitness regimen. Your jobless
friends do not want to see you embark on a career.
Just
remember, they're only expressing their own fear, since trashing other
people's work is another excuse to do nothing. "Why should I create
anything when the things other people create suck? I would totally have
written a novel by now, but I'm going to wait for something good, I
don't want to write the next Twilight!" As long as they never produce
anything, their work will forever be perfect and beyond reproach. Or if
they do produce something, they'll make sure they do it with detached
irony. They'll make it intentionally bad to make it clear to everyone
else that this isn't their real effort. Their real effort would have
been amazing. Not like the shit you made.
Read our article
comments -- when they get nasty, it's always from the same angle:
Cracked needs to fire this columnist. This asshole needs to stop
writing. Don't make any more videos. It always boils down to "Stop
creating. This is different from what I would have made, and the
attention you're getting is making me feel bad about myself."
Don't
be that person. If you are that person, don't be that person any more.
This is what's making people hate you. This is what's making you hate
yourself.
So
how about this: one year. The end of 2014, that's our deadline. Or a
year from whenever you read this. While other people are telling you
"Let's make a New Year's resolution to lose 15 pounds this year!" I'm
going to say let's pledge to do fucking anything -- add any skill, any
improvement to your human tool set, and get good enough at it to impress
people. Don't ask me what -- hell, pick something at random if you
don't know. Take a class in karate, or ballroom dancing, or pottery.
Learn to bake. Build a birdhouse. Learn massage. Learn a programming
language. Film a porno. Adopt a superhero persona and fight crime. Start
a YouTube vlog. Write for Cracked.
But
the key is, I don't want you to focus on something great that you're
going to make happen to you ("I'm going to find a girlfriend, I'm going
to make lots of money ..."). I want you to purely focus on giving
yourself a skill that would make you ever so slightly more interesting
and valuable to other people.
"I
don't have the money to take a cooking class." Then fucking Google "how
to cook." They've even filtered out the porn now, it's easier than
ever. Damn it, you have to kill those excuses. Or they will kill you.
If you want to make note of your project in the forum thread or the comments and check in this time next year, knock yourself out.
I'll be curious to see if even one person actually does this, but if so
we'll look back, not just on whether or not we actually followed
through, but why. You have nothing to lose, and the world needs you.
Here's a video of a corgi rolling down some stairs.
.)
.)