Handling Confrontation

What is confrontation?
Confrontation is used for many things. It is used to address a negative situation; express a negative emotional response; let others see and feel your anger and ventilate your anger openly. It can also be used to change other's behavior; change the things that make you angry; help you stand up for your rights if you feel they are being violated; clarify what has happened and why it is upsetting and get corrective action taken or act out hostility on people (inappropriate) rather than inanimate objects (appropriate). 

What are the types of confrontations?
Angry confrontation is when you're angry with someone and you reveal your anger to that person by words and actions. It is explosive. For example, saying "you've really done it this time!'' while throwing objects down or slamming the door or telling another "get out of here'' while physically pushing the person out of the way.

Assertive confrontation is when you stand up for your rights with a person who has ignored your rights. It is objective and non-accusatory. For example, "I get frustrated when you ignore my offers of help'' or "I was angry when I got passed over for that promotion.''

Direct confrontation is a clear, precise statement of the facts to a person whom you believe needs direction and guidance. You either want quality action taken or you want this person to do something for you. For example, "John, please clean this place before I return'' or "Mary, the way to get my attention is by writing a memo to me, not by skipping work.''

Indirect confrontation is a statement of concern you make to a group of people with no specific person pinpointed. The purpose is to let people know your feelings in a general way. No one gets singled out. For example, "I want each of you to get behind your desire to improve our production'' or "I am upset with the way some of you are acting around here.''

Accusation is a direct confrontation of a person regarding your belief that their behavior was upsetting or unacceptable. For example, "you were the person who started the fight'' or "your use of sarcasm upsets the tone of our meeting'' or "all those calls couldn't be business related.''

Ordering is an attempt to straighten someone out by giving directions that need to be followed to the letter. For example, "to improve your performance you must work at least 30 minutes extra each night for the next month'' or "change your clothes immediately! Get that earring out of your ear and wash your face!''

Blaming is similar to an accusation but it puts the responsibility on another person for a problem that angers you. For example, "your careless playing caused us to lose the game'' or "your lack of interest in our relationship led to your having an affair.''

Belittling is when you're displeased with someone's behavior and you try to make that person feel especially bad by severely criticizing their unacceptable behavior. For example, "you are a sorry excuse for a human being'' or "your presentation was pitiful. Did you notice everyone yawning? They were all bored!''

Lecturing is when you really want to make a point. You become grandiose and pompous and give a person rigid directions for what you feel is imperative. For example, "the only way to cut a lawn is from left to right overlapping one inch between rows'' or "the dining room table must be set exactly right, napkins folded so, chairs angled so.''

Scolding occurs when you are upset and disappointed with the behavior of a person. You resort to a finger-pointing tirade to let that person know of your displeasure. For example, "I'm tired of this. I'm in charge and you don't act like anything is important'' or "your grades in school are horrible! What have you been doing this semester? Daydreaming?''

Name calling happens when you are really upset, out of control and at an irrational level of anger. You resort to shouting or angrily calling out names of disdain, displeasure and disrespect. For example, "you worthless bum! How dare you!'' or "stupid idiot! Can't you see?''

Put downs occur if a person has upset you and you want that person not only to squirm but also to be equally upset, then you resort to a sarcastic put down, trying to make the person feel miserable and embarrassed. For example, "Thank God we have `white out' around here. You will need a paint can of it for your work'' or "What do you expect from a college graduate?''

How do people usually react to your inappropriate confrontations? 
Using assertive confrontation, people recognize that you have hurt feelings, and that needs of yours have not been met. They know how they can correct the situation for you. Using angry confrontation, others usually react like they understand how you're feeling. Their reaction to your anger depends on how they would react to any anger situation. Trying direct confrontation, people realize what you are upset about and they either respond or ignore what you say. 

With indirect confrontation, associates know what is bothering you but usually don't respond; they are never quite certain to whom it was directed. Accusation results in people becoming defensive and protecting themselves from your confrontation as if they had been attacked. Ordering causes people to be offended by your authoritarian attitude and often react in a passive aggressive manner. Blaming causes hurt and offense and people are usually quick to defend themselves. If you use belittling, people are usually so befuddled, dismayed and feeling insignificant and devalued that they retreat from you with lowered self-esteem. 

Lecturing causes people to ignore you and what you are telling them because you come across as too strong, too autocratic and unbending. If you scold, people feel like they are being treated with disrespect, a lack of understanding and often turn away from you instead of correcting their behavior as you've demanded they do. Name calling results in people being upset by the cursing, negative attitude and rage. They back off from, avoid, and ignore you. Put downs cause people to be put off by your sarcasm and cynicism. They are incensed and either ignore you and avoid future contacts with you or fight back with vigor. 

What irrational thinking results in inappropriate confrontations?
Irrational thinking might stem from on of many thoughts: such as the belief that you should say whatever comes to mind; that's the way you do it; you shouldn't hold anything back; you should say what you're feeling regardless of how people react; you'll get an ulcer if you hold in your anger; you should stand up for yourself; it's too much effort to think before you speak; if people get you angry, they deserve what they get; you should react right away; it's better to make a show of power and so on.

What style of confrontation is most effective?
The most productive confrontation you can use is direct, assertive, angry confrontation. It lets others know you're angry and how you feel about the event which precipitated the confrontation; identifies the rights you believe are being ignored and directly addresses the person with whom you are angry. It leaves no room for misunderstanding just who is being addressed; doesn't force anyone to become overly defensive, feel offended, or experience devaluing as a person and doesn't put you in the role of an autocratic despot or irrational, raging fool. This type of confrontation shows respect to others and lets them know that you are angry with the behavior and not with the person; describes the negative behavior rather than attacking the person; is corrective-action oriented, not punitive and elicits a direct response rather than a generalized one and doesn't shut people down and make them want to run away. It allows for compromise and a "win-win" solution. 

How do you conduct a direct, assertive, angry confrontation?
When someone or something gets you angry, you need to:
Identify exactly what gets you angry. What do you feel is a violation of your rights? Which rights have been violated? For example, you're ignored by the leader of your group, and this affects your right to be heard. Next, identify the behavior that is so upsetting. Why do you feel the way you do. For example, "the leader acting all knowing." Then tell the person directly how the behavior makes you feel by using an "I" statement, like: "When you did (the behavior) it made me angry (or other feeling)." For example, "When you ignored your input last night and you were acting like a know-it-all I was angry, hurt and upset."

Once you've given your "I" statement, you can describe corrective action, such as, "in the future when you feel like (describe person's feelings) then you have your permission to take the following action: (describe it.)" You think that's fair. For example, "In the future if you feel my input is irrelevant, you have permission to tell me and ask me to explain myself." When you've secured corrective action for the confrontation, you give the person permission to "call you on it'' if you continue to dwell on this episode anytime you get angry in the future. Last, do healthy anger workout until you have exhausted your anger over this episode and those involved. This is done in private with an inanimate object.

Steps to improving your use of confrontation
Step 1: You first need to assess your feelings about confrontation. You need to answer these questions in your journal: Do you use confrontation when you are angry? What type of confrontation do you use? What is the typical response to your confrontation? How successful is your use of confrontation? How healthy are your confrontations? Why do you resort to poor confrontation techniques when you are angry? Do you have time when you get angry to prepare your confrontation and be sure it is healthy? What irrational thinking blocks your use of confrontation? What thinking leads you to the use of negative confrontation? How can you correct this irrational thinking?

Step 2: You are now ready to explore a healthy model of direct, assertive, angry confrontation. To do this you need to analyze instances of anger from your past and re-script them for a healthy confrontation. To analyze your anger sequences you will look at five incidents of anger during which you were unsuccessful. You'll use the scenarios described in "How do you conduct a direct, assertive, angry confrontation?" to write new scripts and show how the situation could have been improved.

Step 3: Now that you have written five re-scripted confrontations, you need to practice the six-step confrontation model in current situations. You'll record your progress.

Step 4: If you are still having problems with confrontation you need to return to Step 1 and begin again.