What I learned about negotiation

George Kohlresier has had a remarkable life. Now a professor of Leadership and Organizational Behavior at IMD, the famed Swiss business school, George started his career as a psychologist working with the police on domestic violence. Those crises, it turns out, can sometimes turn into hostage-taking situations – and George has been taken hostage three times. Each time George was able to create an emotional connection with the hostage-taker, and negotiate a positive outcome.

As a business consultant, George sees the sense in which “hostage-taking” goes on in the workplace, as people use forms of emotional blackmail to get people to go along with their demands. When I interviewed George for my latest management training series Leadership: A Master Class, he shared some basic principles from his work that have ready lessons for any leader.

Here’s what I learned about effective negotiation skills from the master himself.

If you're not clear in saying what you want, understanding what the other wants through dialogue, then you don't have the foundation for negotiation. Many times a good heart to heart talk will eliminate the need for any hard negotiation, because you discover what the other person really feels or wants.

In harder negotiations where you're talking about logistics and so forth then you have to build a dialogue as a foundation. Then the heart of negotiation is in the concession making, the ability to use the law of reciprocity to give something to get something. That's the heart of negotiation, so the negotiator is always interested in what the other person wants as well as what they want. It’s an attitude that is there in the state of being able to trust someone.

When we look at the stages of negotiation, the first is how to create a bond. I can best negotiate with another person if I create that relationship, that bond. Many times negotiators come in and just say, What's the bottom line? What do you want? They go too fast. They don't take time to build that bond. Especially as we look at other cultures like Asia and the Middle East, bonding becomes a central part. Who are you as a person? Let's have a tea. Let's talk.

And then there’s separating the person from the problem. In a negotiation you always have to be able to understand: what's the problem? What's the focus of what we're trying to get to? And then you have to know what you want and what the other person wants: both become a part of understanding of what we're aiming for. Then be clear on your goals what your interests are -- and understanding the other's interests. What do they want? And this has to happen through a dialogue.

How do I know what you want? I ask you. And if you're not able to put it into words, I may even have to help you clarify what it is that you want. So once you create that dialogue, then you start looking for options and proposals. What's the possibility, for example, of making the pie bigger. How to think together to create a solution so that it becomes in the end a mutual gain -- we both lose something but we both get something.

That's slightly different from the frame of reference about win-win, because if win-win becomes your goal, then it’s likely you may give in too soon or you may hold out too long. Mutual gain is a better way to think about it. How do we both get what we need?

Last, the contract. How you create trust-ability. In bygone days they didn't need those contracts -- a handshake, your word was the most sacred bond that you could give. Today you create this contract, this understanding. Then the relationship continues on a positive note, and if you have to negotiate again, you're ready or starting on a positive foundation.