Sometimes it's really obvious when someone else screwed up. And of course, we just have to correct them. Otherwise, the world as we know it will stop.
So right there at the team meeting, we put on our best diplomacy hat and say, "You know, your user interface design really was confusing. I'll send you a memo telling you what you did wrong and how to fix it later this afternoon."
Your target smiles and says, "Thank you for your offer."
The next day, your goldfish are floating upside down in your fish tank, your car tires seem to be missing some air, and your hard drive accidentally reformats itself.
Coincidence? I think not.
The problem is that despite your extraordinary attempt at diplomaticy, you pointed out to someone that they screwed up.
This happens with colleagues and also with strangers. Have you ever tried to cross a crosswalk? Cars are supposed to stop behind the Stop line to let pedestrians walk across. And yet, often some driver (not you, I'm sure) will stop right in the middle of the crosswalk and pedestrians have to walk around their car in order to cross.
Everyone Is an Ogre
The driver never actually looks like an inconsiderate, law-breaking oaf with no respect or consideration for other people. They always look like a nice person. Then you tap their window and say, politely, "Excuse me, you're blocking the crosswalk. Please stop behind the line next time." They look at you and start to get red in the face. Their formerly curly hair start to straighten out and stand on end. Steam comes out of their ears. They puff out their cheeks, and they yell, "You asshole! Get your fucking butt out of the street before I drive over you and don't ever fucking talk to me again!!!"
They are clearly in the wrong. They are breaking the law, being inconsiderate, and generally being a lousy prom date. But when you politely point out that they are wrong, they act like a great ape deprived of its favorite banana. Because in fact, they are.
People Value Their Self-Image
You see, no one appreciates being confronted with immediate, obvious, incontrovertible, undeniable evidence of their own wrong-doing. Our favorite banana is our self-image. And most of us have self-images that we're upstanding angels who are perfect and have good reasons for the things we do.
Science, of course, has thoroughly debunked that. All of us are a mix of admirable and icky qualities. As shocking as it may be for you to consider, please realize that even I am not perfect. (I know, unbelievable, right?)
Just ask me to cook. I use pre-prepared ingredients, like pre-marinated chicken, reheatable pierogies, and chocolate craze Balance Bars. It's my personal version of mole sauce.
When you make someone realize they're wrong, you're taking away their self-image banana and replacing it with a rotten turnip. They're mad about trading their banana for a turnip. It really has nothing to do with you. You're just the catalyst for their self-realization and an easy target for when they go postal about it.
Frame Your Criticism as a Best Interest
All is not lost, however. You can still communicate the all-important corrective message, just frame it as being in their best interest.
Think about the good thing that will happen if they realize they're wrong and follow your advice. Then frame your message as if their current state of affairs is good, and you're helping them go from good to better.
So let's take the example from the beginning of this episode. Instead of saying "Your user interface made our users throw up on the keyboard," ask yourself what good will come from a better UI. A better UI will make your product a joy to use, reduce support costs, and maybe win the user interface designer a design award.
There's no guarantee they'll take your advice.
To that end, say something like, "You know, the user interface is key to making our users joyous, reducing support costs, and, of course, winning industry awards. I have some ideas that might help bring out the brilliance in your design even more. If you'd like to hear them, let me know."
This way, you're acknowledging the value of what they do, the happy consequences of them doing it right, and then simply offering to help their existing amazingness be even more amazing.
They May So "No"
There's no guarantee that they'll agree to listen to your ideas. Or that they'll take your advice even if they do listen. But if you offer help sincerely, at least they won't get mad.
Probably.
Just to make sure, practice your voice tone. Think of someone who really wants your help. Someone you love, like your niece or nephew (with that hair, and a name like "Sage," you don't necessarily know).
Now practice offering them help out loud. "Sage, I have some ideas that can help with your advanced topology homework. Want to work on it together?" Listen to yourself carefully. Now take that same tone of voice with your work colleague. "Teammate, I have some ideas that can help with the next UI interface. Want to work on it together?"
Apologize
Sometimes you can streamline things by apologizing.
For example, when someone misses an appointment, I'll start out a follow-up conversation by apologizing. "I'm sorry we missed each other. Your confirmation email must have gotten lost in my spam folder." When other people unfairly blame you, it's bad. But when you take responsibility yourself, you can quickly shift the conversation back to scheduling, rather than getting into a useless debate about who dropped the ball. We're all overloaded these days. We all drop the ball sometimes. And even though you're apologizing to take the pressure off them, sometimes you'll find their confirmation email did end up in your spam folder.
Apologies can also be useful when someone turns in an inadequate deliverable. "I'm sorry I screwed up by not giving you the full specifications. We need the proclamation of Oreo Ice Cream Cake as the official Olympics health food printed on parchment paper, not newsprint. Could you reprint it? Thanks!"
I'll only do this when the stakes are low, however. Also, if I have responsibility for the person's professional development, even if I apologize, I'll add, "Next time, how can you be sure to get the full specifications, even if I don't think to give them to you?" That way, I'm acknowledging my part of the situation, while making it clear that it's still their responsibility going forward. If someone's mistake incurred extra cost, then we may, indeed, have to have a difficult conversation about who will pay the price. And difficult conversations are a topic for another time.
People don't like being told they're wrong, especially when they are. It hurts their self-image. So when you need to correct them, do it by offering to improve what's already good, not by pointing out that what they did was bad. Use a genuinely helpful voice tone, and apologize if that would help. Even if you apologize, though, you can make it clear that just because you screwed up, doesn't mean that they can't account for that in the future.
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